About 10 years ago, Superman and I started dating. One night we were sitting on my (well-lit) front porch, talking. Superman had his arm around my shoulder and I was cuddled up to him. I was in a dress that I had owned for a few years and one of my favorites. As we talked, I glanced down at myself and saw "things" that only I was supposed to see. Now, I wasn't surprised to see them, since I had seen them when I got myself dressed. I was surprised to realize that from Superman's spot right next to me, he had quite a view of the girls.
I was mortified. As soon as I realized the predicament I had put him in, I jumped up. I told him it was probably time for him to go and ran inside. I don't think we even hugged good-bye.
I felt so guilty. Superman and I had often talked in our relationship about him serving a mission. We were always focused on that and didn't want to do anything to jeopardize him going. Honestly, we were hesitant to start dating for that very reason, but the pull between us was just too strong.
Anyway..........I felt so very, very guilty. I couldn't believe the awkward situation I had put him in. And I was embarrassed. What must he have thought of me? The little floozy.
The next time I wore that dress, I had a tank top to go under it. I wasn't about to put myself or Superman in that situation again.
The next time I wore that dress, I had a tank top under it. When Superman saw me, he told me I looked really nice. (Good boyfriend.) As we were in the car that evening, he thanked me for wearing a tank top under the dress. He said that he had been really uncomfortable the last time, but didn't know what to say or do about it. I told him that I hadn't realized what I had done and I felt really bad. It wouldn't happen again.
A few months later at EFY, my male counselor talked to the girls about modesty. He said that guys (at least the good ones) really appreciated us dressing modestly. He said that one day, a guy might even thank us for it. I told the counselor that I'd already had a guy thank me for it, and I knew it was important for girls to cover up a bit.
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Have you had any significant experiences with modesty? What do you (or what would you) do about little girls and modesty? Do you have a problem with tank tops or bikinis/tankinis on little girls? Do you have teenagers or work with the youth? Thoughts on modesty in general?
28 comments:
I wear tank tops underneath my clothes a lot, but they're low cut too. I don't really worry about it too much. Living in Utah has definitely made me more conscious of it though.
I'm the modest sort of gal. I've always tried to be. But there have been a few times when I've unknowingly flashed people. I get REALLY embarrassed when someone points it out.
And now being a mother, I am even MORE aware of it because I want my kids to be too.
I serve in Young Womens and I have to admit I actually feel embarrassed when someone is wearing something a little... sketchy. You know, pushing the borders of modest, especially around the young men.
I wish girls could understand how unnecessary it is to try and flaunt!
I wear tank tops under my clothes all the time and I've never, ever worn a bikini. YUCK! I can't even stand a regular swim suit!
I've been endowed for so long that I really don't have to think about modesty, it's all sorta built in with the garments... and thankfully my girls are pretty much non-existent, so I don't think they would ever make a guest appearance like that :) BUT, having worked as an EFY counselor for many years, I have seen first hand the struggles that girls go through with this very issue... I always kept a supply of long tank-tops in my suitcase and would lend them to the girls who needed them during the week... at first a lot of girls resisted the idea, but by the end of the week they were asking if they could keep the tank tops (of course!!) and I think they learned an important lesson... and my guy partners always made sure to emphasize the same lesson that you got - GOOD guys really appreciate modesty... Now that I'm older though, I look at the way girls dress for things like prom and I just cry a little every time... I am so glad my mom never let me get immodest prom dresses... that is one area as I parent that I will stand up for 110% no matter what.
Also, with regard to swimsuits, I hate looking at girls in bikinis... nobody should see that much of another person's body.... and most girls wearing them REALLY should not be... lol... I love the "utah" style of modest tankinis.... I have lots of them and feel good being covered up at the pool.
You married a good man!
I've been buying tank tops for my girls to wear under their shirts, even though they aren't old enough to have anything show, I still think it's good to practice.
Except KJ now things she wants to just wear the tank top.
Gotta nip that one in the bud right now!!
I don't understand the issue. Nudity is awesome! :)
Great post! Somthing I could use with my YW.
I have lots of tank tops and cami's that go under lot's of things. It makes it so much easier.
I like that people have posted how they encourage their young girls to wear tanks and things underneath, even if they have nothing to "show" anyway. I do, however, seem to always see little girls wearing tank tops, short skirts, and short shorts though (even bikinis). I'm not talking about young women, I'm talking about LITTLE girls, like toddlers. I truly don't understand why people think it's okay for little girls to wear immodest clothes. I guess there could be the argument that a toddler is (hopefully) not going to be a sexual temptation for anyone, and that would be true, but even if it is, what is the magic age where it's no longer ok? And by then, haven't you already set a precedent?
I'm not talking here about babies in onesies showing their thighs or anything, that's going a bit extreme (and silly, especially given the cuteness of baby thighs..) but if I have a little girl (and I do), and I have the option of dressing her in a tank top or a tee shirt, why not just pick the tee shirt? Why not set the groundwork for modesty from the very beginning?
And now I've gone and gotten on another soapbox. Oops. I'm opinionated, can you tell?
Anyway, good post. :)
i have to admit that i haven't always lived the way i should. even when i had strayed my farthest (which was pretty far) i still felt strange when i wasn't "modest." i tried bikinis and tank tops but i never really felt comfortable. we weren't allowed to wear anything immodest when we were kids, so i guess it really stuck with me. for me, it's less about the guys and more about my privacy.
by the way, if anyone can tell me what brands of tank tops they wear, i'd appreciate it. i'm looking for some that come up high enough and are really long, too. maybe i just need to visit utah county.
i'm still out on the little girl issue. if i let her wear those things, at what age does it become immodest? not sure.
I'm with those who think that it's crucial to teach girls modesty when they're young. I had a friend who regretted wearing skimpy clothes in high school . . . then dressed her toddler in a bikini. It was all I could do not to slap some sense into her. What hope would her daughter have of dressing modestly as a teen if she was dolled up immodestly as a little girl?
I have three daughters, so this is particularly important to me. The oldest is coming on 13, and so far, so good. She values modesty. No battles about it here.
I don't let my girls wear dresses without sleeves even when they are little. If you never start it's easy when you become older.
My mom never let me or my sisters wear anything without sleeves or any shorts that were a couple inches shorter than our knee.
And I am so grateful now!! I didn't have to get rid of any clothes after I went through the temple (like some of my friends did - had to get whole new wardrobes, even, which I find ridiculous) and I appreciate the fact that I feel uncomfortable if my clothes are even a little revealing. I like the tanks from Shade or Downeast Basics because they go all the way up and are longer. This was a great post.
I have a little girl and she has never worn a dress or shirt without sleeves, and I'm not planning on changing that. And I just tell the grandparents to make sure it has sleeves or to get a little camisole to go over the sleeveless dresses when they buy clothes for her. Gotta get it started early!!
I've always tried to dress modestly, and I've had a similar experience to yours. After my husband and I started dating, I had asked him the time-old question of 'why did you choose me?'. He said some of the basic "because I love you", "you're special", but something equally important "because you're modest, both with what you wear, and how you act". He's a tall guy (6'5"), and said he's always had to deal with accidentally looking down girls' shirts. He said he didn't have that problem with me. I FINALLY felt like a boy noticed for the right reasons!
With us expecting our little girl in August, I've been thinking more and more about modesty with her. Sure, little babies are adorable with all their chunk, and I'm totally fine things like onsies and dresses that are "crawl-able" (so they aren't getting wrapped up in them and unable to crawl), but I don't think we'll be putting her in bikinis or sleeveless dresses. It's not that I think she'll be seen as sexually attractive, but I know that little kids ask to see their pictures of when they were babies....
If they're at the age where you've started to focus on the importance of modesty, how do you explain to them that it was okay when they were younger? I think I want to avoid the gray area of 'when are they old enough to start dressing them differently', and just do it from the beginning.
I also get irritated at the girls on BYU campus who still wear skirts and shorts(when it's 40 degrees outside too!) that are at least 6 inches above their knees. I don't see the logic in wearing clothes like that now and needing to buy a whole new wardrobe when they get married to accommodate new standards.
As a mother of only girls, I think about this a lot.
I don't let them wear sleeveless things, we always have one piece (or modest tankinis, which don't bother me) swimsuits, and I hope that I am also a good example of modesty.
When my eldest daughter was 5, we lived in Phoenix, and she was bombarded all the time with very skimpily dressed girls. And, she is quite easily swayed. One day we had a conversation about why we should be modest, because she was asking me why she couldn't wear strapless dresses like Princess somebody in some movie. Anyway, later we found a little note she had written that said she didn't want to be modest. she wanted to be "unmodist." Very cute, but I worried. So we got out all my old scrapbooks and showed her every picture of all the fancy dresses I wore to date dances and for recitals and in operas. All beautiful and all modest. I still had some in my closet, too, and we got those out to show her. And we showed her my wedding dress. It was a really great conversation.
However, she'll always feel that pull, so we have to teach, teach, teach, and never think we're done.
Great post!
My husband doesn't think immodest clothes are sexy at all. It's pretty cool.
Modesty has been a HUGE issue at my house recently. I never expected to have to deal with it so soon. If you watch any of the disney princesses they are all dressed immodestly. Of the ones my 4 year old daughter has seen their is one maybe two that dress modestly (Cinderella and Snow White). And they are the old school ones so that would be why. My daughter is constantly pulling her sleeves off her shoulders. When asked why she does that she says it is so she can be a princess. Maybe I'm picky but my daughter isn't allowed to wear anything without sleeves. Her dresses and skirts have to be long and she wears undershirts with most everything. We fight about it almost everyday. We've talked about being modest and if she wants to get married in a castle (temple) she needs to dress modestly. Maybe we should all send a petition to Disney to create a princess that wears pants and has sleeves on her shirts.
I didn't read anyone elses comments... Okay, here's my thing. This is what I do, take it or leave it! I don't allow my girls to wear two-piece bathing suits (Kate had a tankini last year, but halfway through the summer her little belly was hanging out so this year, it's a one piece). I still let them wear sleeveless but no spaghetti straps unless there is a shirt under it or thick sleeved sleeveless shirt (did that make sense?). Sometimes I think, if she (Taylor) can run around naked or just in a diaper, then what's the difference? It can be tough. Casey keeps a super tight leash on what the girls wear. I'm a little more liberal...so we meet in the middle because I'm pretty sure the girls don't want to wear turtlenecks and pants in the hot Oklahoma summer!
And also...prepare yourself. Kate is tall for her age. We just went shopping for spring/summer clothes. Even for a 4 1/2 year old, the clothing companies make their clothes really skanky. It's so hard to find shorts that aren't too short for her to wear. Last year, I bought her a few out of the boy section just so you couldn't see her panties when she bent over (also, they make all of the jeans really low wasted, too). I like to dress my girls trendy-ish but also age appropriate. Prepare yourself, because I'm sure you thought you had several years before you would run across this problem. Not so much!! :) She and I argue of modesty issues like my mom and I did when I was 16. It's not fun, but it is good to teach them young.
I've always been a modesty prude. And for the past few years I've donned nothing but baggy full-coverage stuff, seeing as I'm fairly convinced no one would want to see anything under there anyway. (Talk about eyeball scarring.)
I love that the past few years of little girl fashion have included long shorts. OH SO GLAD. I feel like stocking up in different sizes to last until until my girls are 32. There's just nothing I hate more than a skimpy pair of denim underwear that someone dares to call shorts. Even on a preschooler. It's just wrong, I tell you.
I am a YW leader in our ward and I want to scream when I see what some of our YW wear, particularily one. This particular one even had the chops to give a youth talk in Sacrament meeting about how glad she was that she had chosen to be modest. I had to ask someone to roll my eyes back to me. Haha! Unfortunately the young men respond to these girls more eagerly than I would hope the young men of our faith would. Guess that's why we keep teaching these lessons over and over. One day it will hit home.
Todd and I were in Vegas recently and I was getting all dolled up to go the The Beatles LOVE. We had seen soooo many half naked woman walking around the entire trip. As I was putting my tank-top under the top part of my dress and putting leggings under the bottom half I said, "Well, I'm sure going to stick out like a sore thumb!" Todd just looked at me and said, "Good." I love that man. But, seriously. Since I work in gyms and live in exercise clothes I were tank-tops constantly. I have absolutely not BOOBS at all, so that's my pathetic rationalization. I also feel guilt because I love my two-piece swimsuit! My point, you are a much better woman than I am....
When we were still dating, the husband hugged me from behind one day ... I knew he would be able to see the girls from that viewpoint, but from the front the shirt didn't show anything.
I accused him of looking down my shirt.
He hadn't. Still loved me. Still proposed (a second time). Still married me.
but he also still brings up that accusation. hahaha
Such a good post! Thank you! I have a terrible time finding anything modest out in the middle of nowhere. So everytime we head to Utah we make a dash for stores that sell modest clothing.
One thing that I do notice (I only have a son) is that girls usually mimick their mothers in what they wear. So I think we have to look at ourselves and evaluate. The best lessons are thru examples.
However, if I ever do have a daughter I am not ok with baby bikinis, words on the bums of pants etc. I don't want to sexualize my children.
I honestly haven't had any similar experiences myself, but my younger brother went to a dance and the girl wore a very skimpy dress and he told me later how uncomfortable he was the entire night, not sure where to put his hands, where to look, etc.
For my opinion on little girls and modesty, you can read my blog post about it from last year:
http://cluttermom.blogspot.com/2009/09/modesty-for-little-girls.html
wow, did you ever get so many comments before?
This is a really important issue.
I got some tank tops at Kohl's last summer that have eyelet at the top and are really cute under plain blouses.
In general, though, I try to buy clothing that doesn't require layering. I don't want to economically support the makers of immodest clothing--or of tank tops for that matter.
It helps if you can sew, so you can change necklines and hemlines.
One problem with the current crop of "modest" prom dresses is that they all seem to have the same basic bodice pattern. Let's have some variety, and our girls will be more likely to want to wear them.
I wish girls could understand how unnecessary it is to try and flaunt!
home based data entry
OH MY GOSH. This post is awesome. When I first started to be-friend my husband, he was 1 month off his mission. We were studying and I had on a not tight-but-definitely-showing-my-curves-kinda-shirt. He said, and I QUOTE, "Do you mind putting on your coat? I don't want to look at you lustfully." As CHEESY as this sounds.. I was SO VERY IMPRESSED. I wanted to marry him on the spot so he COULD look at me lustfully:)
oh-- growing up my mother was a tyrant about it)didn't really approach it right). However, I still dressed modestly because I felt it was a good thing to do. My feelings with my own girl is teach her to love herself..value herself and understand who she is physically as well as spiritally...and hopefully her desire to dress immodestly will not be a desire at all.
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