YAY!!!
Our computer died. (That's not what I'm happy about.) It like D E A D died. We thought we was gonna hafta get a new one. But we didn't!! YAY!!! We can't download stuff, and for a while there it looked like I wasn't going to be able to get in blogger. Which was really breaking my heart into a million little pieces. (Kind of like Superman did, but -- oh! I haven't gotten there yet! Never mind......)
But I got in somehow! I was leaving a comment on a blog, assuming I've have to be anonymous. Then I noticed I was signed in! Wonder of wonders! Miracle of miracles!!! Is fantastic!!
Anyway. Just had to say I was happy about still being able to blog. I was starting to miss y'all.
We will return you to your regularly scheduled programming shortly.
8.31.2009
Our Story -- The Other Guy
Read the parts 1, 2, and 3 here.
September 2002 -- College (BYU-Idaho)
Superman had been on his mission for a little over a year. I wasn't madly in love with him, but I still had strong feelings for him. And he had become the bar I used to judged every other guy I was interested in.
By the end of October, I had a crush. Mr. Beatles was so cute. (I sat here for a few minutes, trying to come up with a good nickname for him. Vh1's Beatles Anthology is on right now, and I was thinking it's kind of ironic that it's on as I'm writing about The Other Guy, because he loved the Beatles. Then I realized I had the nickname. Anyway.....) That's definitely what attracted me at first -- his looks. We lived close to one another, and discovered that we had some mutual friends -- his mission buddies were in my ward. We had a lot of fun dating casually till the end of the semester, then went home for the holidays.
Though we didn't decide on it beforehand, we both ended up thinking a lot about our relationship over the break, and praying about it. I was really disappointed to feel like I was supposed to break up with him. I remember talking to my mom about it and saying, "But, just because I can't see myself marrying him........does that mean I can't date him?"
"YES!!" she emphatically said. "The point of dating is to find someone to marry! If you know you're not going to marry him, why date him?"
Good point, Mom. She always was a smart one.
Here's what I actually have written in my journal about it: "I don't know what to think about he and I. Whenever I think about us together" -- the whole love and marriage thing.....I don't see it. And I don't know what to make of that. I don't know if it's because I don't know him as well yet, or it's because I can't see us together. I don't know if I should break up with him because I don't see us together, or if I should play it out. It sounds really.... 'presumptuous' to break up with because I don't see us married. ...... What I think about love and Mr. Beatles, the quote comes to mind: 'It's entirely possible to fall in love with a person you shouldn't marry.'"
(The summer before I went to BYU-I, our Institute course was on courtship and marriage. At one point our teacher said that it was possible to fall in love with someone you shouldn't marry, and that blew me away. I had only been in love once, but at the time I thought there was a very good possibility I would marry him -- Superman. So hearing that I could fall in love with someone I wasn't supposed to marry was a major eye-opener to me. I also felt the Spirit whisper that I needed to listen to the counsel of my parents when I made my marriage decision. Alright. Tangent over.)
So I went back to school in January, completely dreading what I knew I had to do. The first night I was back I hung out at Mr. Beatles apartment for a little while, but it was really awkward. I asked if we could meet and talk the next day, which he agreed to.
When we met the next day, before I could say anything, Mr. Beatles said, "There's kinda something I want to talk about," and I knew he knew. HUGE weight lifted off my chest. He told me he'd been thinking and seriously praying about our relationship, and he felt like we were supposed to break up. He said he knew he wasn't ready to get married, and wanted to date other girls before he got married.
I told him that I felt the same way, even though I really liked him. I told him I didn't understand it, but I guessed if we both thought we should break up, then we probably ought to do it. We hugged and parted as friends.
The next few months passed slowly for me. Along with breaking up with a great guy for reasons I didn't understand, two of my closest friends had left at the break and not returned. Plus it was winter in Idaho. NOT fun.
I went out with a few different guys, but nothing serious. Because of all of our mutual friends, Mr. Beatles and I saw each other on occasion, and it wasn't too awkward. At the end of February a friend and I went with him and his roommates to see a movie. Mr. Beatles made sure to sit by me and totally flirted with me the whole time. The next night my room mates and I were invited to a game night at their house where he continued to flirt like crazy. And being a love-starved teenager, I flirted right back.
Once we realized where things were headed, we got together and talked about it. Should we get back together or not? The time we had spent apart had been really hard on him -- he'd had a tough time with his classes and his brother and SIL had lost a baby inutero that had a heart defect. He'd been somewhat depressed about it all. Then we hung out that weekend, and everything was better for him. He thought that was a pretty good sign.
I told him that I wanted to be good friends with the potential of getting back together. (My relationship with Superman had taught me the value of being friends before dating.) Basically, I didn't want to be physical, meaning hold hands. (We hadn't ever kissed.) Mr. Beatles said that the only problem he saw with that was that relationships didn't usually stay there for very long. They either moved forward or ended. I said he had a good point.
He also talked about how he wasn't sure if he was reading my signals right -- that sometimes, my personality just tended to be flirty with a lot of guys. He thought I liked one of his friends, which he was not thrilled about. Then he realized it was just me teasing and joking around -- not flirting. (I swear, this is all relevant.)
We decided just to play it by ear. (Always a good plan.)
A week or two went by, with us seeing a lot of each other, but nothing really happened. We had another "talk" and I asked him point blank if he still wanted to date other girls. He said no. He had done some of that while we were broken up, and it just made him miss me. What about when he prayed? What did he feel? He said he was still trying to figure that one out. (It was the same for me.) But we both felt "good" about it, and decided God would stop us if we were wrong.
He told me that he hadn't been ready to be serious when we dated before, but felt like he had learned a lot when we were apart. Now he was ready to be serious. He knew what he wanted. He told me he knew I had a strong testimony of the gospel and Jesus Christ, and if you had that, everything else would fall into place. He said that sometimes he felt inadequate around me -- I told him he needed to give himself more credit. (Notice I didn't say I felt inadequate around him.)
That lead to a discussion on how your spouse should make you want to be a better person. He said I always made him want to be better, and I told a little lie and said the same. (The truth was that while he was a really good guy, he never made me want to be better like Superman always had. But I ignored that little niggling at the back of my mind.)
We were officially back together. And my mom was coming out for Mother's Week. My mom who told me that if you knew you weren't going to marry someone, there was no point in dating them.
Up next: Part 5 -- Engagment and Dis-engagement (See? I told you it was a long story!)
September 2002 -- College (BYU-Idaho)
Superman had been on his mission for a little over a year. I wasn't madly in love with him, but I still had strong feelings for him. And he had become the bar I used to judged every other guy I was interested in.
By the end of October, I had a crush. Mr. Beatles was so cute. (I sat here for a few minutes, trying to come up with a good nickname for him. Vh1's Beatles Anthology is on right now, and I was thinking it's kind of ironic that it's on as I'm writing about The Other Guy, because he loved the Beatles. Then I realized I had the nickname. Anyway.....) That's definitely what attracted me at first -- his looks. We lived close to one another, and discovered that we had some mutual friends -- his mission buddies were in my ward. We had a lot of fun dating casually till the end of the semester, then went home for the holidays.
Though we didn't decide on it beforehand, we both ended up thinking a lot about our relationship over the break, and praying about it. I was really disappointed to feel like I was supposed to break up with him. I remember talking to my mom about it and saying, "But, just because I can't see myself marrying him........does that mean I can't date him?"
"YES!!" she emphatically said. "The point of dating is to find someone to marry! If you know you're not going to marry him, why date him?"
Good point, Mom. She always was a smart one.
Here's what I actually have written in my journal about it: "I don't know what to think about he and I. Whenever I think about us together" -- the whole love and marriage thing.....I don't see it. And I don't know what to make of that. I don't know if it's because I don't know him as well yet, or it's because I can't see us together. I don't know if I should break up with him because I don't see us together, or if I should play it out. It sounds really.... 'presumptuous' to break up with because I don't see us married. ...... What I think about love and Mr. Beatles, the quote comes to mind: 'It's entirely possible to fall in love with a person you shouldn't marry.'"
(The summer before I went to BYU-I, our Institute course was on courtship and marriage. At one point our teacher said that it was possible to fall in love with someone you shouldn't marry, and that blew me away. I had only been in love once, but at the time I thought there was a very good possibility I would marry him -- Superman. So hearing that I could fall in love with someone I wasn't supposed to marry was a major eye-opener to me. I also felt the Spirit whisper that I needed to listen to the counsel of my parents when I made my marriage decision. Alright. Tangent over.)
So I went back to school in January, completely dreading what I knew I had to do. The first night I was back I hung out at Mr. Beatles apartment for a little while, but it was really awkward. I asked if we could meet and talk the next day, which he agreed to.
When we met the next day, before I could say anything, Mr. Beatles said, "There's kinda something I want to talk about," and I knew he knew. HUGE weight lifted off my chest. He told me he'd been thinking and seriously praying about our relationship, and he felt like we were supposed to break up. He said he knew he wasn't ready to get married, and wanted to date other girls before he got married.
I told him that I felt the same way, even though I really liked him. I told him I didn't understand it, but I guessed if we both thought we should break up, then we probably ought to do it. We hugged and parted as friends.
The next few months passed slowly for me. Along with breaking up with a great guy for reasons I didn't understand, two of my closest friends had left at the break and not returned. Plus it was winter in Idaho. NOT fun.
I went out with a few different guys, but nothing serious. Because of all of our mutual friends, Mr. Beatles and I saw each other on occasion, and it wasn't too awkward. At the end of February a friend and I went with him and his roommates to see a movie. Mr. Beatles made sure to sit by me and totally flirted with me the whole time. The next night my room mates and I were invited to a game night at their house where he continued to flirt like crazy. And being a love-starved teenager, I flirted right back.
Once we realized where things were headed, we got together and talked about it. Should we get back together or not? The time we had spent apart had been really hard on him -- he'd had a tough time with his classes and his brother and SIL had lost a baby inutero that had a heart defect. He'd been somewhat depressed about it all. Then we hung out that weekend, and everything was better for him. He thought that was a pretty good sign.
I told him that I wanted to be good friends with the potential of getting back together. (My relationship with Superman had taught me the value of being friends before dating.) Basically, I didn't want to be physical, meaning hold hands. (We hadn't ever kissed.) Mr. Beatles said that the only problem he saw with that was that relationships didn't usually stay there for very long. They either moved forward or ended. I said he had a good point.
He also talked about how he wasn't sure if he was reading my signals right -- that sometimes, my personality just tended to be flirty with a lot of guys. He thought I liked one of his friends, which he was not thrilled about. Then he realized it was just me teasing and joking around -- not flirting. (I swear, this is all relevant.)
We decided just to play it by ear. (Always a good plan.)
A week or two went by, with us seeing a lot of each other, but nothing really happened. We had another "talk" and I asked him point blank if he still wanted to date other girls. He said no. He had done some of that while we were broken up, and it just made him miss me. What about when he prayed? What did he feel? He said he was still trying to figure that one out. (It was the same for me.) But we both felt "good" about it, and decided God would stop us if we were wrong.
He told me that he hadn't been ready to be serious when we dated before, but felt like he had learned a lot when we were apart. Now he was ready to be serious. He knew what he wanted. He told me he knew I had a strong testimony of the gospel and Jesus Christ, and if you had that, everything else would fall into place. He said that sometimes he felt inadequate around me -- I told him he needed to give himself more credit. (Notice I didn't say I felt inadequate around him.)
That lead to a discussion on how your spouse should make you want to be a better person. He said I always made him want to be better, and I told a little lie and said the same. (The truth was that while he was a really good guy, he never made me want to be better like Superman always had. But I ignored that little niggling at the back of my mind.)
We were officially back together. And my mom was coming out for Mother's Week. My mom who told me that if you knew you weren't going to marry someone, there was no point in dating them.
Up next: Part 5 -- Engagment and Dis-engagement (See? I told you it was a long story!)
8.30.2009
Our Story -- Engagement and Dis-engagement
So Mr. Beatles and I were back together, just in time for my mom to visit for Mother's Week.
My mom and I have always been really close. I could, and would, tell her everything. But that had changed a little bit since I started school. A lot of it was just due to the fact that we no longer shared a house -- or a state, for that matter. We simply weren't able to talk as much as before, which meant that when we did talk, there was so much to catch up on that we didn't have time for all the details.
While all of that was true, there was more to it when it came to Mr. Beatles. I knew that my mom didn't think we should get back together. We had prayed and knew we were supposed to break up -- why would we go against that? Our reasoning was that we had broken up. Maybe now was the time for us. Mr. Beatles realized a lot of things during those months -- he thought he was ready.
So I was pretty nervous about my mom coming. And honestly, it was awkward at first. But she and I had a great talk the first night she was there and we really cleared the air. The next night Mr. Beatles cooked dinner for us and we all had a good talk. We all felt a lot better about things.
Mom left at the end of the week. Just hours after she left, Mr. Beatles and I shared our first kiss. It was a big deal for me. To this point, Superman had been the only boy I kissed. And I was in LOVE when I kissed him. I promised myself that I would only kiss guys I was in love with. Within a week of that, we were talking long-term commitments, summer plans, whether or not we would need housing contracts for the fall term, etc.
Yeah. It moved pretty fast. It was like once he decided what he wanted, he saw no reason to wait.
It's interesting, because I'm going back through my journals as I chronicle all this. (And I do mean ALL of this. Sorry it's such a long story!!) As we were starting to get back together, I wrote that I wanted to be good friends with the potential of getting back together. Within two weeks, we were officially together. Then I wrote that I was okay with being more serious, as long as we took it slowly. But within a week, were talking about being married by Christmas.
I mention in my journal that my best friend got engaged one month after her first date with the guy. (Hi, Kelli! Love you!) I wrote, "We will NOT move that fast. We will continue to talk a lot about it, I'm sure, but we don't plan to marry over the summer." Just.....keep that in mind.
I knew it was fast then, but looking back, I'm SHOCKED at how fast it all was. In one month, we went from being broken up to deciding to get married over Thanksgiving. A week after that decision, we drove with some friends to his sister's house in northern Idaho so I could meet his parents. It went pretty well. His mom loved me. (Of course -- the moms always love me!) His dad was pretty quiet. To this day, I don't know what he really thought of me and my relationship with his son.
A week after that trip, we set a date to go ring shopping. When I told my mom that, she was........not thrilled. To say the least. She knew that I still had lingering questions about my relationship with Superman, and there was another guy from home that I had wanted to date before he left on his mission. (I'll call him Dorito.) He was home now -- both he and Superman would be there over the summer. She thought it was great that I felt so sure about Mr. Beatles, but didn't I want to be really sure? If we were meant to last, we'd last through the summer. She just didn't want me to have any regrets. Neither did I. At the very least, I needed closure to mine and Superman's relationship.
What Mom said made a lot of sense. Everything had been moving so fast.....did we really need to be engaged by the end of the semester? If it was right, it was going to be right after the summer, too.
So Mr. Beatles and I had a talk. I told him all that my mom and I had discussed. I told him that I needed to date(ish) Superman and Dorito for me.
My journal says that I told him my heart knew it was him, but my mind didn't know for sure. (In reality, my heart wanted it to be him so bad that I was willing to lie to myself.)
But as soon as I said all that, I regretted it. There was an instant change in him. His arm had been around me, and he slowly took it off my shoulder and scooted away just the slightest bit. He said that until I knew 100% -- heart and mind -- maybe we shouldn't talk about marriage. I felt so confused. I wasn't breaking up with him. I didn't want to date other guys to see if there was anything better or because I was dissatisfied with him. I wanted to date the other guys to cement my relationship with Mr. Beatles. I did not want to have ANY regrets or unfinished business.
But he didn't see it that way. He was really hurt by what I had said. After a few minutes he said, "I am here to support you. If you feel you need to see how things go with them.....No matter how much I don't like it, how much it hurts.....whatever you need to do." The right words were there, but the attitude definitely was not. He did not have a supportive attitude. I was just sick.
So instead of sticking to what I had decided, I caved. I loved him. I really did. I decided, and told him, that I didn't need to date the other guys. I was ready to pick out a ring.
By the next day, I had convinced myself that the moment Mr. Beatles took his arm off my shoulder and I felt so confused was "really" the Spirit telling me that being with Mr. Beatles was right. (Does that make sense? I mean, I know it doesn't actually make sense, but do you follow what I'm saying?) I knew I needed to have a definite "moment" where I "knew" the man I was to marry, and I picked that as my moment.
(For the record, this is really difficult to write. I haven't really trudged through all these memories since they occured. And it's hard to see how foolish I was about everything. All I can say is that I really loved the guy, and wanted so badly for it to be right that I lied to myself for way too long.)
We went ring shopping a few days later, though we still weren't sure when we wanted to make it official -- the end of the semester, or the end of the summer. Either we'd be "practically" engaged, or officially engaged. We went back and forth on it for over a week. My mom had a gut feeling that we should wait. She wasn't still encouraging me to date, but just thought we should wait to make it official. And I knew that I was supposed to listen to my parents when it came to my marriage decision. But I wanted the ring! I wanted to be engaged! I loved him! I wanted to plan a wedding! I was ready for marriage!
We fasted and prayed about it, and decided to buy a ring and make it official before the summer. Honestly, the ring was gorgeous. It was white gold, with a "floating" brilliant round diamond. I loved that ring. It looked bad on my pudgy fingers because it had a thick band, but I loved the ring so much I didn't care. (A very apt metaphor for our relationship, now that I think about it!) I paid for about half the ring because Mr. Beatles had already quit his job to go home for the summer. The ring shop wouldn't finance a guy without a job.
So we had the ring. From Rexburg, we headed to the Seattle area, where Mr. Beatles was from. We were going to spend a week there with his family. Then he was going to drive to Kentucky to spend the summer with his brother and his family, and drop me off in Kansas on the way.
A day or so after we arrived at Mr. Beatles home, he called my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. My dad acquiecsed to his request. Two days later, Mr. Beatles proposed. It was sweet and romantic-ish, but not a surprise. Nothing was a surprise. I knew what the ring looked like. I knew when he was going to do it. I knew how he was going to do it. It was good to have it be official, but.....I mean, I didn't even call my mom or my best friend and gush about it all. I left my parents a message saying it was official. Can you believe that? What a horrible daughter!!! How anticlimatic can getting engaged be?!
A week later, we were in Kansas. Mr. Beatles was just going to stay for a few days, then head to Kentucky. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I knew my parents, my mom in particular, were not thrilled about the events of the past weeks. But they were so welcoming that it really eased my mind.
After a few days, he was off to his brother's house. We called each other every night as soon as our free minutes kicked in, and we'd talk for 2-3 hours at a time.
---Have I mentioned that this is all really difficult to think about? I've blocked a lot of this out of my mind with good reason. I'm reading my journals to remember details, but I didn't write all the details. I didn't write about all the little things that should've been indicators.
I briefly mentioned him saying that I had a flirty personality. I don't disagree with that. I'm a teaser, and I always have been. I also get along with people well and don't like anyone to feel excluded. But I'm not an overly flirtatious trampy kind of gal. Just friendly. Because of all that,though, there were two different guys Mr. Beatles thought I had crushes on. Which I didn't. Not only was I completely "in like" with him at the time, but the guys were not the kind I wanted to date. We were friends, but just that.
Then once when we were playing ultimate frisbee, I guess I was too friendly with one of Mr. Beatles' friends. Meaning, I joked around with him and slapped him high fives every time he scored a goal. But Mr. Beatles thought it was inappropriate and probably sending the guy the wrong signals. Seriously? Alright, I'll work on that......
Another time I was working on a final project with my science partners. They both happened to be guys who were not unattractive, but also were not RM's. Meaning, there's no way I'd even THINK about dating them. Naturally. Anyway, we were in the library finishing our project. Mr. Beatles had some work to do in the library, too, so he was there. At one point we had to move to a different room. One of my partners was walking in front of me, and I noticed something falling out of his backpack. I said his name quietly (we were in the library), but he didn't stop or turn around. So I pulled on his bag to get him to stop. He stopped, I put whatever it was back into his bag, zipped it all the way, and we continued on. Innocent enough, right?
Apparently not. Mr. Beatles was sitting 30 feet away at the computer, and saw the whole thing. It was obvious to him that I was flirting with the guy.
What?!
I assured him that I had absolutely NO feelings toward the guy. I was simply trying to keep something from falling out of his backpack. But maybe I needed to be more aware of how I acted around other guys....
So........we were finally apart for the summer. We talked for hours each night. But I had things to do! I was working, my best friend was getting married, and I had all kinds of friends from home that I wanted to catch up with.
One night, my best friend Kelli and I were headed to Institute. It was on the other side of town -- a good 20 minute drive. Two of our close friends were going as well we decided to ride together. These two friends just happened to be boys. But Kelli and I were ENGAGED. And the boys were friends we had known for all of high school. Not only did we have COMPLETELY platonic relationships with them, but they were weeks away from leaving for their missions. Just to be clear, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING between any of us.
After Institute, they came back to my house. Kelli's sister Nikki was there, too. Seeing as how it was after 9:00 when my free minutes started, I went right down to my room and called Mr. Beatles. It was actually closer to 10, and he asked what I had been up to -- why was I calling later than normal? I explained to him that I had gone to Institute with my friends.
He was NOT happy. In his mind, I had essentially gone on a double date. (WHAT?!) No matter how much I explained the COMPLETELY PLATONIC nature of my friendship with those guys, he couldn't believe what I had done. When he found out I was planning to go bowling with a big group the next night, he totally flipped. Would I be doing something like that if we were married? Um, HELLO. If we were married, HE'D BE COMING WITH ME. He said that engagement was like practice for marriage, and you should behave the same way when you're engaged as you will when you're married. I figured he had a point, and I should be more careful about what I do and who I do it with.
A few days later, I needed a ride home from work. I called my mom to let her know I was done with my shift, then called Mr. Beatles. It was after 9, and I knew it was what he wanted. A few minutes later, Mom showed up and Dorito was with her. (He had been at my house talking to my mom when I called.) I told Mr. Beatles my mom was there and I'd call him when I got home.
Dorito and I had been able to hang out a few times since I'd been home. He's just a really fun guy. We started talking with my mom on the way home about all kinds of things, then kept talking for another 20 minutes or so once we got to my house. After he was gone, I called Mr. Beatles back.
He immediately wanted to know what had taken me so long to call back. I told him that Dorito had been there and we'd just been talking to my mom. Of course he blew a gasket. It was insane.
But by the end of every conversation, he had me convinced that I truly was in the wrong. My actions combined with my "flirtatous personality" weren't appropriate. I began to be a lot more reserved in all my interactions with the opposite sex.
The people around me could see that I was not in a healthy relationship. But anytime someone would talk to me about it, (usually my mom), it would just drive me closer to Mr. Beatles. I am a fiercely loyal person. If I perceive any kind of attack on someone I love, I immediately get defensive and put up walls and draw closer to the person "under attack."
I essentially began to isolate myself from my friends and family. My family thought I shouldn't marry Mr. Beatles, so obviously I didn't want to spend much time with them. If I spent time with my friends and even one male was present, I was being unfaithful. If I spent time with my friends, even just girls, after 9 PM, I was cutting in on time I should've spent talking to Mr. Beatles. I drew farther and farther away from everyone I loved, and drew closer to Mr. Manipulative, er, Mr. Beatles.
I was changing who I was. My closest relationships were crumbling. I knew that things weren't the way they should be, but who could I talk to? Not my mom, because she wanted us to fail. (In my mind.) I couldn't talk to my best friend, because she didn't want me to marry him, either. I didn't even feel like I could pray about it because deep down, I knew I was lying to myself. So obviously Heavenly Father wasn't going to help me "fix it" because it wasn't right. I obviously couldn't talk to Mr. Beatles about it. And even when I tried, I came away from the conversations feeling guilty and very persuaded by everything he said.
Even now as I read my journal, things that are supposed to be MY words, I recognize his words. Things he said that I tried to convince myself were true. (Honestly, it makes me really mad that so much of his voice, and not mine, is in MY journal.) He would say things about how hard it was to be apart, or how he loved me more than his entire family, or he wasn't complete without me, and I'd write it in my journal like I felt the same way. Even now, 6 years after the fact, I can clearly identify lines that he said over the phone and I decided that I felt, or should've felt, the same way. "We've both had hurt feelings and we really REALLY miss each other. We haven't been happy. We've been more irritable and on edge. We both feel so much a part of one another -- we aren't ourselves without the other there." (These were all "my" reasons for our "arguments.")
The real reason we had been arguing was because Superman was coming home from his mission, and I told Mr. Beatles that I was probably going to call a little late because I was going to be at the airport.
Stay tuned for part #57, Superman Returns.
8.29.2009
Our Story -- Superman Returns
(Scroll down for the previous parts of the epic saga story)
Two days before Superman was to come home, I got really sick. Mr. Beatles and I had been arguing the night before about me taking so long to call him back. (I think this was the night that Doritos and I had talked for an extra 30 minutes.) I was sobbing through parts of the conversation, trying to convince Mr. Beatles that talking to Doritos wasn't breaking a covenant with him. (You'd think that wouldn't be too hard, since we hadn't MADE any covenants, but he didn't see it that way.)
The next morning I was up before dawn puking my guts out. I rarely get sick, and when I do, it's usually because I'm over-stressed. I knew that was my problem, but couldn't see a solution outside of getting married so that the jealousy would end. This was Saturday morning, and Superman was set to return from his church mission to Taiwan on Tuesday, June 3.
On Monday afternoon I told Mr. Beatles that I would probably call late the next night because of the homecoming. Not only would I be at the airport when he got in late that evening, but because my parents' home was 5 minutes from the airport and had always been Party Central, everyone would be coming to my house afterwards.
This might come as a surprise, but I'll say it anyway: Mr. Beatles was not thrilled.
We "discussed" it at length. I explained over and over again, that there was nothing between Superman and I. (Which was true.) I explained over and over to him that Superman had been my best friend and I had to be there. I explained over and over that everyone was going to be there. It wouldn't just be his family and I. There was a group of about 30 people who were going to be at the airport, then at my house. I couldn't just not go.
But Mr. Beatles threw a fit. He couldn't believe that I was engaged and still going to see my ex-boyfriend get off the plane.
I finally, finally started to stand up for myself. After explaining myself to him repeatedly, I told him that I hadn't called to ask for permission, I was simply informing him that my nightly phone call was going to be a little bit late, and ended the conversation.
The next day, however, I was so nervous. I was nervous to see Superman again. I was worried that there might be a spark still there. He had joked before about marrying the first girl he saw when he stepped off the plane -- I kept thinking that I needed to be really far back and behind other people so he wouldn't see me right away. I was worried about what to wear. I wanted to look cute because, hi!, he was seeing me for the first time in two years, but I was really worried that other people would notice I looked cute and think something of it. I did my hair gelled and wavy because I knew he wasn't a big fan of my hair like that. I wore a shirt that was not overly cute in anyway. When my mom made a comment about me looking cute, I flipped out. "What? Really? 'Cuz I'm not trying to look cute. It was just easier to do my hair this way." I was so on edge about the whole thing.
By the time we got to the airport, I was seriously a bundle of nerves. I couldn't enjoy the time I was able to spend with my family and so many of my friends. I just wanted him to walk off the plane so we could all go home and I could call Mr. Beatles and prove my devotion. (Sick, I know.) And I was just nervous to see Superman again. I was so worried that all my feelings were going to come back and I was going to want to be with him.
Superman's flight was delayed about 20 minutes, a fact that nearly killed his mother. (Hi, Robin!) She loves her boy quite a bit, and the two years had been hard for her, to say the least. But when his flight finally arrived and he walked down the terminal, she screamed, and I do mean screamed, "MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and gave him the biggest hug a mother has every given a child. (I shouldn't have worried about being the first girl he saw -- I should've known it would be his mother!)
After their 10-minute embrace, he started making his way around to all the people gathered. He had a future brother-in-law to meet, and his best friend whom he hadn't seen for two and a half years in the crowd, among others. He came and shook my hand and was just the same Superman. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. He moved to the others and I thought, "See? Nothing there. Nothing to worry about." A very small part of me thought, "Well, something might be there...." but I quickly squelched that thought.
We all caravaned home, and I immediately ran to my room, closed the door, and called Mr. Beatles. We talked for the next 4 hours, till everyone left. He felt much more secure in our relationship because of the call.
--I'm still really mad that I did that. I missed an amazing evening. Superman, his best friend and Doritos swapped mission stories all night. My mom has compared it to the sons of Mosiah reuniting after their missions. I can't even tell you what went on because I wasn't there. I was holed up in my room, proving my devotion to a jealous fiance. --
I guess that's not completely true, because I do know one important thing that happened that night. Superman gave my mom a priesthood blessing.
I need to backtrack a little bit. I mentioned in previous posts that my mom wasn't a big fan of me being with Mr. Beatles. She thought it was wrong of us to get back together at all, and then got really concerned when everything moved so quickly. Even after we were engaged, things moved quickly. We originally set our wedding date for Thanksgiving break, but had moved it up to early August -- just two months away. (Less than a year total that we had known each other.) (Which I had sworn we wouldn't do.)
My mom was really worried about it. She's a worrier by trade (hi, Mom!) and so the thought that I was most likely marrying a man who was wrong for me had her pretty concerned. Honestly, she had gone into a serious depression because of it. She knew I was making a huge mistake, one that would determine my eternity, and there was nothing she could do to stop me. She saw what Mr. Beatles was doing to me -- how I was changing my very nature and distancing myself from all friends and family -- but the more she talked to me about it, the more I got defensive and drew closer to Mr. Beatles.
By the time Superman returned from his mission, she was at the end of her rope, and very nearly the end of her sanity. She asked him to give her a priesthood blessing. He was still a missionary, technically -- he wouldn't be released from that call till he saw the stake president the next morning. She wanted him to give her the blessing while he still had that extra portion of the Spirit that God grants to missionaries. She was so concerned about me.
In the blessing, she was told that her concerns were valid and that Heavenly Father was also concerned. He also loved both Mr. Beatles and I. She was told that a miracle would take place to remedy the situation. (I'm sure there was more to it, but that's all I have written down in my journal.)
The next few days, nothing terribly significant happened. Superman was at our house occasionally, but I was either working or talking to Mr. Beatles on the phone. We didn't interact a whole lot. In fact, according to my journal, he didn't even come home!!! There is no mention of his homecoming or me going to the airport or anything. I wouldn't even allow myself to acknowledge his presence in my journal. I'm still mad at all that I left out of my "detailed accounts."
Oh -- something I just remembered -- the day before Superman came home, when Mr. Beatles and I had the fight about me going to the airport, I made a big decision. I had a box full of "Superman" mementos. A starburst wrapper he once offhandedly told me to keep forever that I actually kept. His senior pictures. A coaster from our first date. A card he'd given me. The Superman symbol tag from a shirt he bought me. All kinds of things. After my "talk" with Mr. Beatles, I decided that I needed to throw it all away. There was no need for me to keep all those things. So I dumped the box without looking back. (Luckily I didn't toss the box full of my letters from him. I don't if it's because I didn't realize I had it, or that I couldn't part with everything just yet.) So now all those mementos are gone, and it just kills me. Alright, tangent over. I apologize. It's just that sometimes I get angry over all that Mr. Beatles stole from me.
So, ironically, the last entry I have in my journal before things "changed" was that I was worried about my best friend. She was getting married in a week and a half and I just wasn't sure if the guy was right for her. But what could I do?
I know. The irony astounds me now. (They've been married for 6 years.)
The day after that entry, my life changed, and was truly saved.
The next day was Saturday, June 7th. Superman came into my bedroom at 7:30 AM. He'd actually spent the night at my house, unbeknownst to me, so that he'd be there to talk to me in the morning. He spent the night in my garage, on the backseat of my parents' van because he didn't want me to find out he was there and get in trouble with Mr. Beatles. He'd been up since 6:30, praying and reading his scriptures, preparing himself for what he was about to do.
Alright, I gotta back up again. Before Superman came home, he knew I was engaged. He was kinda disappointed, but didn't let himself think about it too much. Once he was home and saw how concerned my family and friends were about the situation, he became concerned, too. But he didn't think he should do anything about it -- it was not his place anymore.
However, his feelings changed when he gave my mom the blessing. When he said, "A miracle would take place to remedy the situation," he knew that he was to be part of the miracle. And honestly, he was not looking forward to it. He didn't want to be drawn into such a dramatic situation, and one that had eternal consequences. A situation that could very well draw his heart into the matter, as well.
But once he knew it was what God wanted him to do, there was no turning back. He and my parents formed a plan. They began a fast Friday at lunch. My parents were up on Saturday at 4 am to drive to the Oklahoma City temple (the nearest temple) for the first session of the day. While they were in the temple, Superman would come and talk to me. They timed it so his discussion with me would start just as their session was starting.
So it was 7:30 am on Saturday. Superman came into my bedroom and woke me up. He apologized for having to wake me, but he said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he had a friend he was concerned about, and he was more concerned about this person than he had ever been concerned about anyone. That caught my attention right away. I knew that he had been extremely concerned about more than one of his friends in the past years, and I started to wonder who he was talking about. Then he said he was concerned about one of his best friends. Me.
I was so shocked, I couldn't speak. Me? He's more concerned about me than when Jeremy was drinking? Than when Adam wasn't coming to church?
He told me that he knew my spirit probably better than anyone, outside of my parents. He said that my spirit was dimmer than he had ever seen it.
Again, there were no words. Really? Is it that bad? I mean, I know I haven't been reading my scriptures like I should, but my spirit is dim?
He said that the night he got home, my mom had asked him for a blessing, and he told me the contents of the blessing.
Mom's concerns are valid? Heavenly Father is concerned about me? A miracle would occur?
I'm not quite sure what was said next. But Superman had taken down all my defenses. For the first time since Mr. Beatles and I had gotten back together, I had someone I could really confide in. I was able to voice all my concerns about Mr. Beatles to Superman. I told him about the jealousy. I told him my doubts -- that I honestly loved Mr. Beatles, and could see us together forever, but couldn't see myself exalted with him. (I hadn't been willing to admit that to myself, though it was a thought that had bubbled up occasionally.) I told him about Mr. Beatles being mad that I had shared things about his family with my parents, even though those things affected my parents. Every little thing that I had ignored and pushed to the back of my mind for the past two months was suddenly out in the open. I was ready to share this burden with someone.
Superman and I talked for over 2 hours. He told me how concerned my parents were -- that they were actually in the temple, praying for me as we spoke. I told him about how I knew I was supposed to listen to my parents in my marriage decision but couldn't find a way to make that work then. (Uh, DUH. They were saying I shouldn't marry Mr. Beatles! That was what I was supposed to listen to!) But Superman didn't say that. He talked about my parents being wise and that I should listen to them.
At some point during our conversation, I was staring at a point just beyond Superman's ear. I realized I was staring at my bulletin board's center, where I had pinned a picture of Christ. With the way Superman was situated, it looked like Christ was almost whispering in his ear. The thought came to me that He was telling Superman what to say, and I needed to listen. I knew immediately it was the Spirit telling me that. And then I realized that I hadn't felt the Spirit very often during the last month or so. It was so strong during our conversation, and it was like I realized what I had been missing.
After our talk, I had to get ready for work, and I also called Mr. Beatles. I was understandably shaken up and a little confused. The conversation was a tense one. I just told him that I was having some second thoughts. If I remember correctly, his idea was to move up the wedding date. Again.
I went to work, but wasn't able to make it through the day. I was there for a couple of hours, then called in a replacement. By the time I was home, my parents had returned from the temple. I talked to my mom for a little bit, but had built up some of my walls again because my pride had been so damaged. I was so embarrassed that I had ignored the whisperings of the Spirit for so long. So when I finally decided to "do what I had been told" and "listen to my parents," I did it with an attitude. I'd talk to them about what was going on, then go and call Mr. Beatles and tell him what I was thinking and my parents were saying.
We'd talk for 20 minutes, and I'd be completely persuaded by him again, and go up and tell my parents what we had discussed. It went back and forth like that for the better part of the afternoon. It was exhausting!! I'd feel good when I talked to my parents, know what I was supposed to do, then talk to Mr. Beatles and lose every bit of strength I'd gained! I was manipulated over and over again! He'd tell me my parents just didn't realize how right we were together. He suggested me moving to where he was. He suggested eloping.
I finally got sick of it. I was sick of being pulled back and forth. I said to my mom, "I'm supposed to listen to you in my marriage decision. What do you think I should do."
She suggested that I take some time away. Away from home, and away from Mr. Beatles - to have no contact for a little while. She said I could spend a few days at my grandma's house, or go to Utah for my best friend's wedding --
--As soon as my mom mentioned Kelli's wedding, I knew that was what I wanted and needed to do. Kelli is Superman's little sister and my best friend. I hadn't even entertained the possibility of driving out to Manti, Utah, with Kelli's family for her wedding. But as soon as my mom said it (I found out later she desperately wanted me to go, but didn't dare hope I would), I knew that was what I should do.
I talked to Mr. Beatles that night and told him I needed some time. By that time, I knew he was not the one for me. It hurt. I really did love him, and wanted so desperately for him to be the one I was supposed to marry. But he wasn't. I told him I was going to do a lot of thinking and praying about our relationship and asked that he do the same. I already knew we needed to break things off, but I really wanted him to come to that realization as well. I told him that I would call him after a week.
I didn't tell him that I was going to be spending that week with Superman and his family.
Up next: Wo quan xin de ai ni
(It's gonna kill ya, trying to figure out what that means. I'll give you a hint -- it's Mandarin Chinese.)
Two days before Superman was to come home, I got really sick. Mr. Beatles and I had been arguing the night before about me taking so long to call him back. (I think this was the night that Doritos and I had talked for an extra 30 minutes.) I was sobbing through parts of the conversation, trying to convince Mr. Beatles that talking to Doritos wasn't breaking a covenant with him. (You'd think that wouldn't be too hard, since we hadn't MADE any covenants, but he didn't see it that way.)
The next morning I was up before dawn puking my guts out. I rarely get sick, and when I do, it's usually because I'm over-stressed. I knew that was my problem, but couldn't see a solution outside of getting married so that the jealousy would end. This was Saturday morning, and Superman was set to return from his church mission to Taiwan on Tuesday, June 3.
On Monday afternoon I told Mr. Beatles that I would probably call late the next night because of the homecoming. Not only would I be at the airport when he got in late that evening, but because my parents' home was 5 minutes from the airport and had always been Party Central, everyone would be coming to my house afterwards.
This might come as a surprise, but I'll say it anyway: Mr. Beatles was not thrilled.
We "discussed" it at length. I explained over and over again, that there was nothing between Superman and I. (Which was true.) I explained over and over to him that Superman had been my best friend and I had to be there. I explained over and over that everyone was going to be there. It wouldn't just be his family and I. There was a group of about 30 people who were going to be at the airport, then at my house. I couldn't just not go.
But Mr. Beatles threw a fit. He couldn't believe that I was engaged and still going to see my ex-boyfriend get off the plane.
I finally, finally started to stand up for myself. After explaining myself to him repeatedly, I told him that I hadn't called to ask for permission, I was simply informing him that my nightly phone call was going to be a little bit late, and ended the conversation.
The next day, however, I was so nervous. I was nervous to see Superman again. I was worried that there might be a spark still there. He had joked before about marrying the first girl he saw when he stepped off the plane -- I kept thinking that I needed to be really far back and behind other people so he wouldn't see me right away. I was worried about what to wear. I wanted to look cute because, hi!, he was seeing me for the first time in two years, but I was really worried that other people would notice I looked cute and think something of it. I did my hair gelled and wavy because I knew he wasn't a big fan of my hair like that. I wore a shirt that was not overly cute in anyway. When my mom made a comment about me looking cute, I flipped out. "What? Really? 'Cuz I'm not trying to look cute. It was just easier to do my hair this way." I was so on edge about the whole thing.
By the time we got to the airport, I was seriously a bundle of nerves. I couldn't enjoy the time I was able to spend with my family and so many of my friends. I just wanted him to walk off the plane so we could all go home and I could call Mr. Beatles and prove my devotion. (Sick, I know.) And I was just nervous to see Superman again. I was so worried that all my feelings were going to come back and I was going to want to be with him.
Superman's flight was delayed about 20 minutes, a fact that nearly killed his mother. (Hi, Robin!) She loves her boy quite a bit, and the two years had been hard for her, to say the least. But when his flight finally arrived and he walked down the terminal, she screamed, and I do mean screamed, "MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and gave him the biggest hug a mother has every given a child. (I shouldn't have worried about being the first girl he saw -- I should've known it would be his mother!)
After their 10-minute embrace, he started making his way around to all the people gathered. He had a future brother-in-law to meet, and his best friend whom he hadn't seen for two and a half years in the crowd, among others. He came and shook my hand and was just the same Superman. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. He moved to the others and I thought, "See? Nothing there. Nothing to worry about." A very small part of me thought, "Well, something might be there...." but I quickly squelched that thought.
We all caravaned home, and I immediately ran to my room, closed the door, and called Mr. Beatles. We talked for the next 4 hours, till everyone left. He felt much more secure in our relationship because of the call.
--I'm still really mad that I did that. I missed an amazing evening. Superman, his best friend and Doritos swapped mission stories all night. My mom has compared it to the sons of Mosiah reuniting after their missions. I can't even tell you what went on because I wasn't there. I was holed up in my room, proving my devotion to a jealous fiance. --
I guess that's not completely true, because I do know one important thing that happened that night. Superman gave my mom a priesthood blessing.
I need to backtrack a little bit. I mentioned in previous posts that my mom wasn't a big fan of me being with Mr. Beatles. She thought it was wrong of us to get back together at all, and then got really concerned when everything moved so quickly. Even after we were engaged, things moved quickly. We originally set our wedding date for Thanksgiving break, but had moved it up to early August -- just two months away. (Less than a year total that we had known each other.) (Which I had sworn we wouldn't do.)
My mom was really worried about it. She's a worrier by trade (hi, Mom!) and so the thought that I was most likely marrying a man who was wrong for me had her pretty concerned. Honestly, she had gone into a serious depression because of it. She knew I was making a huge mistake, one that would determine my eternity, and there was nothing she could do to stop me. She saw what Mr. Beatles was doing to me -- how I was changing my very nature and distancing myself from all friends and family -- but the more she talked to me about it, the more I got defensive and drew closer to Mr. Beatles.
By the time Superman returned from his mission, she was at the end of her rope, and very nearly the end of her sanity. She asked him to give her a priesthood blessing. He was still a missionary, technically -- he wouldn't be released from that call till he saw the stake president the next morning. She wanted him to give her the blessing while he still had that extra portion of the Spirit that God grants to missionaries. She was so concerned about me.
In the blessing, she was told that her concerns were valid and that Heavenly Father was also concerned. He also loved both Mr. Beatles and I. She was told that a miracle would take place to remedy the situation. (I'm sure there was more to it, but that's all I have written down in my journal.)
The next few days, nothing terribly significant happened. Superman was at our house occasionally, but I was either working or talking to Mr. Beatles on the phone. We didn't interact a whole lot. In fact, according to my journal, he didn't even come home!!! There is no mention of his homecoming or me going to the airport or anything. I wouldn't even allow myself to acknowledge his presence in my journal. I'm still mad at all that I left out of my "detailed accounts."
Oh -- something I just remembered -- the day before Superman came home, when Mr. Beatles and I had the fight about me going to the airport, I made a big decision. I had a box full of "Superman" mementos. A starburst wrapper he once offhandedly told me to keep forever that I actually kept. His senior pictures. A coaster from our first date. A card he'd given me. The Superman symbol tag from a shirt he bought me. All kinds of things. After my "talk" with Mr. Beatles, I decided that I needed to throw it all away. There was no need for me to keep all those things. So I dumped the box without looking back. (Luckily I didn't toss the box full of my letters from him. I don't if it's because I didn't realize I had it, or that I couldn't part with everything just yet.) So now all those mementos are gone, and it just kills me. Alright, tangent over. I apologize. It's just that sometimes I get angry over all that Mr. Beatles stole from me.
So, ironically, the last entry I have in my journal before things "changed" was that I was worried about my best friend. She was getting married in a week and a half and I just wasn't sure if the guy was right for her. But what could I do?
I know. The irony astounds me now. (They've been married for 6 years.)
The day after that entry, my life changed, and was truly saved.
The next day was Saturday, June 7th. Superman came into my bedroom at 7:30 AM. He'd actually spent the night at my house, unbeknownst to me, so that he'd be there to talk to me in the morning. He spent the night in my garage, on the backseat of my parents' van because he didn't want me to find out he was there and get in trouble with Mr. Beatles. He'd been up since 6:30, praying and reading his scriptures, preparing himself for what he was about to do.
Alright, I gotta back up again. Before Superman came home, he knew I was engaged. He was kinda disappointed, but didn't let himself think about it too much. Once he was home and saw how concerned my family and friends were about the situation, he became concerned, too. But he didn't think he should do anything about it -- it was not his place anymore.
However, his feelings changed when he gave my mom the blessing. When he said, "A miracle would take place to remedy the situation," he knew that he was to be part of the miracle. And honestly, he was not looking forward to it. He didn't want to be drawn into such a dramatic situation, and one that had eternal consequences. A situation that could very well draw his heart into the matter, as well.
But once he knew it was what God wanted him to do, there was no turning back. He and my parents formed a plan. They began a fast Friday at lunch. My parents were up on Saturday at 4 am to drive to the Oklahoma City temple (the nearest temple) for the first session of the day. While they were in the temple, Superman would come and talk to me. They timed it so his discussion with me would start just as their session was starting.
So it was 7:30 am on Saturday. Superman came into my bedroom and woke me up. He apologized for having to wake me, but he said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he had a friend he was concerned about, and he was more concerned about this person than he had ever been concerned about anyone. That caught my attention right away. I knew that he had been extremely concerned about more than one of his friends in the past years, and I started to wonder who he was talking about. Then he said he was concerned about one of his best friends. Me.
I was so shocked, I couldn't speak. Me? He's more concerned about me than when Jeremy was drinking? Than when Adam wasn't coming to church?
He told me that he knew my spirit probably better than anyone, outside of my parents. He said that my spirit was dimmer than he had ever seen it.
Again, there were no words. Really? Is it that bad? I mean, I know I haven't been reading my scriptures like I should, but my spirit is dim?
He said that the night he got home, my mom had asked him for a blessing, and he told me the contents of the blessing.
Mom's concerns are valid? Heavenly Father is concerned about me? A miracle would occur?
I'm not quite sure what was said next. But Superman had taken down all my defenses. For the first time since Mr. Beatles and I had gotten back together, I had someone I could really confide in. I was able to voice all my concerns about Mr. Beatles to Superman. I told him about the jealousy. I told him my doubts -- that I honestly loved Mr. Beatles, and could see us together forever, but couldn't see myself exalted with him. (I hadn't been willing to admit that to myself, though it was a thought that had bubbled up occasionally.) I told him about Mr. Beatles being mad that I had shared things about his family with my parents, even though those things affected my parents. Every little thing that I had ignored and pushed to the back of my mind for the past two months was suddenly out in the open. I was ready to share this burden with someone.
Superman and I talked for over 2 hours. He told me how concerned my parents were -- that they were actually in the temple, praying for me as we spoke. I told him about how I knew I was supposed to listen to my parents in my marriage decision but couldn't find a way to make that work then. (Uh, DUH. They were saying I shouldn't marry Mr. Beatles! That was what I was supposed to listen to!) But Superman didn't say that. He talked about my parents being wise and that I should listen to them.
At some point during our conversation, I was staring at a point just beyond Superman's ear. I realized I was staring at my bulletin board's center, where I had pinned a picture of Christ. With the way Superman was situated, it looked like Christ was almost whispering in his ear. The thought came to me that He was telling Superman what to say, and I needed to listen. I knew immediately it was the Spirit telling me that. And then I realized that I hadn't felt the Spirit very often during the last month or so. It was so strong during our conversation, and it was like I realized what I had been missing.
After our talk, I had to get ready for work, and I also called Mr. Beatles. I was understandably shaken up and a little confused. The conversation was a tense one. I just told him that I was having some second thoughts. If I remember correctly, his idea was to move up the wedding date. Again.
I went to work, but wasn't able to make it through the day. I was there for a couple of hours, then called in a replacement. By the time I was home, my parents had returned from the temple. I talked to my mom for a little bit, but had built up some of my walls again because my pride had been so damaged. I was so embarrassed that I had ignored the whisperings of the Spirit for so long. So when I finally decided to "do what I had been told" and "listen to my parents," I did it with an attitude. I'd talk to them about what was going on, then go and call Mr. Beatles and tell him what I was thinking and my parents were saying.
We'd talk for 20 minutes, and I'd be completely persuaded by him again, and go up and tell my parents what we had discussed. It went back and forth like that for the better part of the afternoon. It was exhausting!! I'd feel good when I talked to my parents, know what I was supposed to do, then talk to Mr. Beatles and lose every bit of strength I'd gained! I was manipulated over and over again! He'd tell me my parents just didn't realize how right we were together. He suggested me moving to where he was. He suggested eloping.
I finally got sick of it. I was sick of being pulled back and forth. I said to my mom, "I'm supposed to listen to you in my marriage decision. What do you think I should do."
She suggested that I take some time away. Away from home, and away from Mr. Beatles - to have no contact for a little while. She said I could spend a few days at my grandma's house, or go to Utah for my best friend's wedding --
--As soon as my mom mentioned Kelli's wedding, I knew that was what I wanted and needed to do. Kelli is Superman's little sister and my best friend. I hadn't even entertained the possibility of driving out to Manti, Utah, with Kelli's family for her wedding. But as soon as my mom said it (I found out later she desperately wanted me to go, but didn't dare hope I would), I knew that was what I should do.
I talked to Mr. Beatles that night and told him I needed some time. By that time, I knew he was not the one for me. It hurt. I really did love him, and wanted so desperately for him to be the one I was supposed to marry. But he wasn't. I told him I was going to do a lot of thinking and praying about our relationship and asked that he do the same. I already knew we needed to break things off, but I really wanted him to come to that realization as well. I told him that I would call him after a week.
I didn't tell him that I was going to be spending that week with Superman and his family.
Up next: Wo quan xin de ai ni
(It's gonna kill ya, trying to figure out what that means. I'll give you a hint -- it's Mandarin Chinese.)
8.28.2009
Our Story -- Wo quan xin de ai ni
On Sunday, I left with Superman, his sister Nikki, and his mom and dad to drive 15 hours to Manti, Utah. My best friend Kelli was going to be married there on Wednesday, June 11. (She and her fiance were driving out a day behind us.)
The drive out was great. Superman and I just talked and talked and talked. (Like we hadn't seen in other in two years or something!) A lot of our discussion was about gospel subjects -- something that we'd always been able to do together. I hadn't realized how much I had missed and needed that in a relationship. Mr. Beatles had been spiritual, but we'd never really discussed gospel-related things like Superman and I did. Our friendship seemed to be right where we left it. We were able to talk comfortably and tease occasionally.
We started the drive on Sunday afternoon and drove through the night. I remember wanting to lean on Superman's shoulder when I was sleepy, but decided that was definitely a bad idea. For the time being, at least.
The next few days were spent getting things ready for the wedding. On Wednesday, everyone was up early and headed to the temple. Superman's sister Nikki and I hung out at the hotel -- we hadn't yet been through the temple and could not be present for the ceremony.
After the ceremony, the two families were all gathered for pictures. Kelli's husband has quite a few siblings, all pretty close in age. We were all having a good time and joking around while the couple was taking pictures.
We started asking Superman to tell us how to say different things in Chinese. Stupid things like, "Your mom!" and "Nerd!" and other phrases that I can't remember right now. At one point, he looked me in the eye and said, "Wo quan xin de ai ni." I looked at him, feeling like he had said something important to me. I asked him what he had said, and he just smiled and continued translating the insults people were wanted to know. I asked him again what he had said, but he smiled and said he would tell me when I was a boy. (Inside joke. Back when we were dating, he had once told me he'd tell me something when I was older, but it sounded like he said, "I'll tell you when you're a boy." Hence, the joke.)
I decided to let it go for the time being, but was pretty sure he had said something important.
The next few days were really fun. We spent a day in Salt Lake with the two families and Superman and I were back to full-fledged teasing. (It was so refreshing!)
I've had this bad habit ever since Superman and I started hanging out of.............abusing him. Physically. Never on purpose, but I always seem to hurt him. Once he was teasing me about something and I "got mad." I was at my bedroom door, and he was at the other end of the basement -- a good 30 feet away. I threw my hairbrush at him as he was running away and up the stairs and I hit him smack in the middle of his head. I felt so horrible but couldn't stop laughing. Every time he'd try to tickle me he'd end up with a knee or elbow to the stomach or elsewhere. Once we were being melodramatic and a friend was blockading my door so I couldn't get out. I yelled and yelled for "Superman" to come save me, but it was taking a while. So I put my back into and opened my own door. Right into Superman's forehead. He'd been there to save me, I just didn't realize it. (Almost a metaphor.......)
Anyway, I was back to abusing him along with the teasing. We were walking at Temple Square and he was teasing me about something, then kinda ran away because he knew I'd get angry. I pretended to give him an air-kick in the pants, even though he was 15 feet away from me. But I was wearing mule tennis shoes and my shoe flew off, hitting him directly in the back of the head. (Just like the hairbrush.) Again, I felt horrible, but couldn't stop laughing.
Over the next few days I'd bug him about what he said to me in Chinese, begging him to translate. He decided to quote scripture a bit and said that his bowels were moved with compassion towards me -- he'd tell me before he left for school. I said, "You're having a bowel movement out of compassion for me?"
Yeah, we got a good laugh out of that one.
I continued to bug him about what he'd said. I was getting the feeling from our interactions that he was developing feelings for me again, and was starting to think he'd said "I love you." But I didn't know. And that was driving me crazy. How was I supposed to act around him? Him loving me, or not, would kind of make a difference in my decisions, and I decided I had a right to know.
Saturday we drove back to Kansas. Again, Superman and I talked and talked. Towards the end of the trip we finally broached the subject of "us." I asked him why he had let our friendship deteriorate so much before his mission. He didn't answer directly, but told me that the biggest regret of his life was not handling things better between us before he left on his mission. We talked about a lot of stuff, and I told him that I just wanted to tell him everything for his future relationships.
"So I don't blow it again," he said. I thought, But you haven't blown it. Not yet. I was already opening my heart to the possibilities. We continued to talk about how we still had a great friendship, and he said that he'd give his life for me. I thought, I love you, too.
The thought took me by surprise.
The next day was Sunday. We were home. The trip to Utah had been SO GOOD for me. I felt so rejuvenated. But it had been a week, and I owed Mr. Beatles a phone call. I was not looking forward to it. At all.
But I sucked it up and did what I had to do.
I told Mr. Beatles that it just wasn't right. I had really, really wanted it to be, but it just wasn't. And I couldn't ignore it any longer. He was pretty devastated and upset. He cried and begged. He got really angry. But I was not about to change my mind. I apologized again and again. I told him that I was finally following the Spirit, and he had as much access to revelation as I did. He said that he'd already got his answer and he didn't have to ask again. I didn't really have an answer for that. I just apologized again.
I told him I'd send him the ring. He just said, "Oh, thanks," really sarcastically. Then he started in on how much money he'd spent on me. He'd only taken me to his hometown near Seattle because I wanted to see the ocean, then he'd had to drive "really far" out of his way to take me to Wichita on his way to Kentucky. I asked him if he wanted me to send him a check for the estimated cost of everything. Would $500 cover it? I reminded him that I'd paid for nearly half of my ring as well. I said it was just money. I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do.
I told him that he deserved someone who loved him as much as he loved her. He said he thought he'd found her. (Ow.) I apologized a few more times, then ended the conversation.
After I hung up, I was shaking. I was physically weak. I walked out into the living room. The only thing I wanted was a hug from Superman. He didn't ask any questions. I just hugged him, and felt such comfort. Then I walked outside and laid down on the porch swing. I kept telling myself, You did the right thing. You did the right thing. The man for you is still out there. You did the right thing.
Then blessedly, I fell asleep. I really think that nap was the answer to a prayer I hadn't prayed. When I woke up, I could barely remember the awful conversation I'd had with Mr. Beatles. It was wonderful.
The next night I went to Family Home Evening with the singles' ward. (I had been attending the singles ward since I'd been home.) Superman and some others of my friends were there, and it was a fun activity. Superman asked if we could get together the next day -- he wanted to tell me what he had said in Chinese. I told him that the next morning sounded good to me.
Superman stayed the night at my house that night (since his home was 45 minutes away and he didn't actually have a car.) I stayed the night with his sister and her room mate in their apartment to maintain some propriety.
He picked me up the next day and drove to a spot near the lake in the my neighborhood. We got out of the car and sat down next to a small tree.
After some small talk, he told me that the direct translation of what Wo quan xin de ai ni was, "I love you with all my heart." He said that the Taiwanese are never that open with their emotions, and he knew that when he said it.
I told him that was what I thought he'd said. (Such a romantic reply, eh?) I started thinking out loud, sharing my feelings about him and Mr. Beatles. (Again, the romantic-ness astounds me.) I talked about how I was having a hard time trusting my feelings.
Superman suggested that we pray. We each prayed aloud, asking for clarity. I felt so good and peaceful and was able to trust those feeling enough to continue with what I was thinking.
I told Superman that several times throughout our trip to Utah I had wanted to reach out and hold his hand. The more we talked there, the more comfortable I became with what I was feeling, and I told him that I loved him, too. He took my hand, and we kissed.
He pulled back and told me that he had something for me and went to some nearby bushes. For some reason, I actually thought he was going to propose. I was flabbergasted. About a million things flashed through my mind in the 5 seconds it took him to get the bushes then turn to me. Is he really gonna propose? What am I gonna say? What does the ring look like? Did he get a marquis? Where'd he get the money? His parents? WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?!?!?
Then he turned around and I saw what was in his hands. 4 roses, and a bag of M&M's. (The man knows I love both.) I can't tell you the relief I felt!! I told him that I had actually thought he was going to propose right then and there. He laughed and said no, he wasn't planning on it, but maybe it was something we should talk about.
And that's when I started to freak out.
I had just broken off an engagement TWO DAYS before. And he was already bringing up the "m" word? And he'd only been home from his mission for two weeks. He mentioned that August might be a good time, in between his summer and fall semesters at BYU.
Uhhh......I was just gonna marry one guy in August, and now you're talking about me marrying another one?
I managed to keep my cool and told him that I didn't think there was any big hurry.
We went to lunch at Chili's (because that's what we do), then went to see my mom at the small bookstore where she worked. We walked in smiling and holding hands and my mom nearly passed out. She did fall to the floor, thanking Heavenly Father. Superman asked me if we could go out on a date Thursday night, I request I was happy to grant.
I went to work that afternoon with a lot to think about. But the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't believe what I'd said and done. I felt like I really did love Superman but I was NOT ready for another serious relationship! I needed some time to heal from my last disaster of a relationship. I loved Superman, but I wasn't in love with him. There just hadn't been adequate time for that. I knew I was falling in love with him, but I wasn't quite there yet.
That night when we met up, I told Superman that I was having some second thoughts, and I was sorry I hadn't said more when we talked that morning.
He told me he had actually expected to hear all that when we had talked earlier, and he completely understood it. He said he'd still head to BYU in a few days (he had mentioned not going for the summer and us getting married), and for me just to take whatever time I needed. (Such a difference from when I said the same thing to Mr. Beatles.) Superman asked if I still wanted to go out on Thursday, which I did. I might not have been ready to marry him that instant, but I still really liked him!
The evening was an entire surprise, which I loved. We went to the Olive Garden, which is exactly what I would've picked if he'd asked my preference. Then we went back to my house where I was asked to change from my dressy clothes to some more casual clothes. When I was done changing, Superman blindfolded and escorted me to my parent's back patio. He had all the tiki torches and every candle my parents owned out and lit. The patio swing was set up in front of our little TV. (Superman obviously had some help getting things set up. My mom was mare than happy to help in any way.)
We sat snuggled up on the swing and watched "The Princess Bride," (our favorite cult classic) and "Anna and the King." The song at the end of that movie, "How can I not love you?" had become my theme song when Superman left on his mission. (I put it in my playlist. If you don't know the song, take a listen and you'll quickly understand why my teen-angst ridden heart identified with it.) When the song came on as the credits rolled, I mentioned that I loved it. Superman (who knows how to take a hint) asked if I'd like to dance. Which I did.
We danced, not really talking, while I thought about how much I had loved him before. When the song was over, he turned on the CD player he'd set up and our song (Everything I Do) came on. He whispered all the words to me again, and when he got to "I'd die for you, " I thought he was going to kiss me (recreating our first kiss). But he didn't. He just looked at me and let it all sink in. I put my head on his shoulder, grateful he didn't try to kiss me, but kinda wishing he had.
The next day, Friday, June 20, was Kelli's wedding reception. Superman was leaving for BYU the next day. His mom was driving him out, and my mom (her best friend) was worried about her driving home all by herself. So I asked his mom (Robin) if she'd like me to come and help drive back. She said she'd really appreciate it. I'm sure my mom had ulterior motives, but I didn't care. I wanted Robin to be safe on the 16-hour drive back, but I also wanted to see more of Superman. I needed to see more of him. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
So we headed out for Utah the next afternoon. They were taking their extended-cab pick-up. I think that's what you call it. I didn't have a full back seat -- just two seats you pulled down from the side. Not exactly the most comfortable thing to be sitting on for a long road trip. I ended up just sitting on the floor of the cab.
Once again, the drive out to Utah was utterly fantastic. This time, Superman shared story after story from his mission with his mom and I. (Since I had missed them all the night of his homecoming.) I felt the Spirit often throughout his stories. At one point, I remember looking up at him and feeling overwhelming feelings of love. (It's one of those images that's ingrained in my mind. We were driving through Colorado, and there were green mountains behind him.) I remember feeling love in all it's forms -- romantic love, the love you have for your family, the kind you feel for your best friend, and the kind that makes you want to give anything for that person. I was just overwhelmed by how strongly I felt.
We stopped in Grand Junction, CO just before midnight. We found a chapel and went to church the next morning before heading out. After church we stopped at Wendy's for lunch. Superman didn't go in with Robin and I because it was the Sabbath and he didn't want to purchase food. Robin and I were hungry enough that we were willing to bend the rules a bit. :o) I remember looking out the window, seeing Superman sitting in the truck, reading his scriptures.
Robin and I had a really good talk over lunch. She talked about how much she loved her son. (A LOT.) Then she talked about how much she loved my mom. (Almost as much.) She talked about how much my mom loved me. (A LOT.) She talked about what a hard time my mom had had when I was engaged to Mr. Beatles. It was hard for Rohin to see her best friend suffering so much while she was unable to do anything. Once Superman came home from his mission and realized that he needed to be part of my "intervention," she realized that she was going to have to sacrifice her son. She hadn't seen him for two years. Well, actually, she hadn't really seen him for 3 years. The summer we dated he was rarely home. Then he left for BASIC. When he got back, he was busy preparing for his mission and spending time with friends who needed him. She had really been looking forward to these weeks between his homecoming and going to school to spend with him.
But then she told me that she loved my mom enough to sacrifice her son so he could help me. And that she loved me that much, too.
In that moment, I got a brief glimpse of the love that Heavenly Father has for His Son, and His other children.
We drove the rest of the way to Provo that day. We checked into a hotel, drove around campus to find where Superman's classes the next would be, and drove by the apartment he'd move into.
The next day was a busy one. We dropped Superman off for his morning of classes. We checked into and moved some things into his apartment. We picked him up at noon and bought text books. Then we bought him some "normal" clothes, since all he really had was stuff from his mission. Then we actually bought a car for him. It was a crazy day.
It was a really hard day for me, too. We'd had such a great trip out. All the love I felt for him on Saturday, the discussions we'd had on Sunday.......it was so fantastic. I was falling more and more in love. We'd even held hands a few times. But Monday was so busy that there wasn't any time for "our relationship." I was also having some abdominal pain that made me cranky. Superman's normal teasing was just getting on my nerves. That, and being cramped in the back of a pick-up all day isn't exactly the funnest thing ever.
We went to Chili's that night for dinner (because that's what we do.) Superman and I drove back to the hotel in his car, so we'd have a chance to talk before Robin and I left the next day. He laid it on the line once again. He really wanted to date and be with me. He still had a few days to drop his classes if I wanted him to come back to Kansas for the summer. He still loved me.
I told him that I loved him, too.........as a best friend. It was the most I was able to give at the time. I'd felt such strong feelings over the weekend, but had been really confused when I wasn't completely infatuated with him that day. I thought that when you were in love, you were madly in love all the time, which I clearly wasn't. I really did love him as a best friend. I told him that I'd give my life for him. But that was all I could do at the time. He of course only heard, "I love you as a friend," and was heartbroken by that.
I told him that I did want to date him. I was only going to be 4 ours away in Rexburg. There were hundreds of couples who were in the same boat -- we'd make it work. We could talk on the phone and e-mail -- it'd be fine.
The next morning, Robin and I left for home. We had some really great talks that I'll go into later. (Yes, the saga's not over yet. But it's getting really close!) The next day, Wednesday, I was in a LOT of pain -- the same abdominal pain I'd been having on Monday, but far more intense. I went to the doctor, where they told me they thought I might have an ovarian cyst. They scheduled me to have an ultrasound the next day.
So I was a little scared that night. All I wanted to do was talk to Superman. I'd seen him every day since he got home from his mission nearly 3 weeks before, I and needed him. I really needed him. He had become my best friend again. But I didn't have his phone number. I knew the prefix (is that what you call the first 3 digits of a phone number?) and his apartment number, so I tried that. (A lot of the phone numbers at BYU-Idaho were that way.) Of course, that wasn't his number. But I was so desperate to talk to him, I tried different phone numbers for a solid hour. I had e-mailed him, but didn't hear back.
I went to bed that night scared and longing for Superman. I missed him SO MUCH and I honestly needed him. The more I thought of him, the more I wanted to be with him. The more I wanted him with me. The more I loved him.
I loved him. I really did. I realized it that night. Now that we were thousands of miles apart and I wasn't able to talk to him, I knew I loved him. I loved him with all my heart -- Wo quan zin de ai ni.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should marry them. I'd almost made that mistake before -- I'd only broken off my engagement to Mr. Beatles 11 days ago! This was crazy! What was I thinking? Was it just that I wanted to be married? That I wanted to be in love? Did I only love Superman because he wasn't there with me? WHAT KIND OF CRAZY GIRL WAS I?!?!?
I did NOT want to jump the gun again. I had convinced myself before that I'd had a witness from the Spirit that I was to marry someone. I was NOT going to make up something like that again. I would wait till I knew FOR SURE that God wanted me to marry the guy before I told him that *I* wanted to marry him.
So I was just waiting on the Lord.
Next time: Can I get a WITNESS?!?!?
The drive out was great. Superman and I just talked and talked and talked. (Like we hadn't seen in other in two years or something!) A lot of our discussion was about gospel subjects -- something that we'd always been able to do together. I hadn't realized how much I had missed and needed that in a relationship. Mr. Beatles had been spiritual, but we'd never really discussed gospel-related things like Superman and I did. Our friendship seemed to be right where we left it. We were able to talk comfortably and tease occasionally.
We started the drive on Sunday afternoon and drove through the night. I remember wanting to lean on Superman's shoulder when I was sleepy, but decided that was definitely a bad idea. For the time being, at least.
The next few days were spent getting things ready for the wedding. On Wednesday, everyone was up early and headed to the temple. Superman's sister Nikki and I hung out at the hotel -- we hadn't yet been through the temple and could not be present for the ceremony.
After the ceremony, the two families were all gathered for pictures. Kelli's husband has quite a few siblings, all pretty close in age. We were all having a good time and joking around while the couple was taking pictures.
We started asking Superman to tell us how to say different things in Chinese. Stupid things like, "Your mom!" and "Nerd!" and other phrases that I can't remember right now. At one point, he looked me in the eye and said, "Wo quan xin de ai ni." I looked at him, feeling like he had said something important to me. I asked him what he had said, and he just smiled and continued translating the insults people were wanted to know. I asked him again what he had said, but he smiled and said he would tell me when I was a boy. (Inside joke. Back when we were dating, he had once told me he'd tell me something when I was older, but it sounded like he said, "I'll tell you when you're a boy." Hence, the joke.)
I decided to let it go for the time being, but was pretty sure he had said something important.
The next few days were really fun. We spent a day in Salt Lake with the two families and Superman and I were back to full-fledged teasing. (It was so refreshing!)
I've had this bad habit ever since Superman and I started hanging out of.............abusing him. Physically. Never on purpose, but I always seem to hurt him. Once he was teasing me about something and I "got mad." I was at my bedroom door, and he was at the other end of the basement -- a good 30 feet away. I threw my hairbrush at him as he was running away and up the stairs and I hit him smack in the middle of his head. I felt so horrible but couldn't stop laughing. Every time he'd try to tickle me he'd end up with a knee or elbow to the stomach or elsewhere. Once we were being melodramatic and a friend was blockading my door so I couldn't get out. I yelled and yelled for "Superman" to come save me, but it was taking a while. So I put my back into and opened my own door. Right into Superman's forehead. He'd been there to save me, I just didn't realize it. (Almost a metaphor.......)
Anyway, I was back to abusing him along with the teasing. We were walking at Temple Square and he was teasing me about something, then kinda ran away because he knew I'd get angry. I pretended to give him an air-kick in the pants, even though he was 15 feet away from me. But I was wearing mule tennis shoes and my shoe flew off, hitting him directly in the back of the head. (Just like the hairbrush.) Again, I felt horrible, but couldn't stop laughing.
Over the next few days I'd bug him about what he said to me in Chinese, begging him to translate. He decided to quote scripture a bit and said that his bowels were moved with compassion towards me -- he'd tell me before he left for school. I said, "You're having a bowel movement out of compassion for me?"
Yeah, we got a good laugh out of that one.
I continued to bug him about what he'd said. I was getting the feeling from our interactions that he was developing feelings for me again, and was starting to think he'd said "I love you." But I didn't know. And that was driving me crazy. How was I supposed to act around him? Him loving me, or not, would kind of make a difference in my decisions, and I decided I had a right to know.
Saturday we drove back to Kansas. Again, Superman and I talked and talked. Towards the end of the trip we finally broached the subject of "us." I asked him why he had let our friendship deteriorate so much before his mission. He didn't answer directly, but told me that the biggest regret of his life was not handling things better between us before he left on his mission. We talked about a lot of stuff, and I told him that I just wanted to tell him everything for his future relationships.
"So I don't blow it again," he said. I thought, But you haven't blown it. Not yet. I was already opening my heart to the possibilities. We continued to talk about how we still had a great friendship, and he said that he'd give his life for me. I thought, I love you, too.
The thought took me by surprise.
The next day was Sunday. We were home. The trip to Utah had been SO GOOD for me. I felt so rejuvenated. But it had been a week, and I owed Mr. Beatles a phone call. I was not looking forward to it. At all.
But I sucked it up and did what I had to do.
I told Mr. Beatles that it just wasn't right. I had really, really wanted it to be, but it just wasn't. And I couldn't ignore it any longer. He was pretty devastated and upset. He cried and begged. He got really angry. But I was not about to change my mind. I apologized again and again. I told him that I was finally following the Spirit, and he had as much access to revelation as I did. He said that he'd already got his answer and he didn't have to ask again. I didn't really have an answer for that. I just apologized again.
I told him I'd send him the ring. He just said, "Oh, thanks," really sarcastically. Then he started in on how much money he'd spent on me. He'd only taken me to his hometown near Seattle because I wanted to see the ocean, then he'd had to drive "really far" out of his way to take me to Wichita on his way to Kentucky. I asked him if he wanted me to send him a check for the estimated cost of everything. Would $500 cover it? I reminded him that I'd paid for nearly half of my ring as well. I said it was just money. I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do.
I told him that he deserved someone who loved him as much as he loved her. He said he thought he'd found her. (Ow.) I apologized a few more times, then ended the conversation.
After I hung up, I was shaking. I was physically weak. I walked out into the living room. The only thing I wanted was a hug from Superman. He didn't ask any questions. I just hugged him, and felt such comfort. Then I walked outside and laid down on the porch swing. I kept telling myself, You did the right thing. You did the right thing. The man for you is still out there. You did the right thing.
Then blessedly, I fell asleep. I really think that nap was the answer to a prayer I hadn't prayed. When I woke up, I could barely remember the awful conversation I'd had with Mr. Beatles. It was wonderful.
The next night I went to Family Home Evening with the singles' ward. (I had been attending the singles ward since I'd been home.) Superman and some others of my friends were there, and it was a fun activity. Superman asked if we could get together the next day -- he wanted to tell me what he had said in Chinese. I told him that the next morning sounded good to me.
Superman stayed the night at my house that night (since his home was 45 minutes away and he didn't actually have a car.) I stayed the night with his sister and her room mate in their apartment to maintain some propriety.
He picked me up the next day and drove to a spot near the lake in the my neighborhood. We got out of the car and sat down next to a small tree.
After some small talk, he told me that the direct translation of what Wo quan xin de ai ni was, "I love you with all my heart." He said that the Taiwanese are never that open with their emotions, and he knew that when he said it.
I told him that was what I thought he'd said. (Such a romantic reply, eh?) I started thinking out loud, sharing my feelings about him and Mr. Beatles. (Again, the romantic-ness astounds me.) I talked about how I was having a hard time trusting my feelings.
Superman suggested that we pray. We each prayed aloud, asking for clarity. I felt so good and peaceful and was able to trust those feeling enough to continue with what I was thinking.
I told Superman that several times throughout our trip to Utah I had wanted to reach out and hold his hand. The more we talked there, the more comfortable I became with what I was feeling, and I told him that I loved him, too. He took my hand, and we kissed.
He pulled back and told me that he had something for me and went to some nearby bushes. For some reason, I actually thought he was going to propose. I was flabbergasted. About a million things flashed through my mind in the 5 seconds it took him to get the bushes then turn to me. Is he really gonna propose? What am I gonna say? What does the ring look like? Did he get a marquis? Where'd he get the money? His parents? WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?!?!?
Then he turned around and I saw what was in his hands. 4 roses, and a bag of M&M's. (The man knows I love both.) I can't tell you the relief I felt!! I told him that I had actually thought he was going to propose right then and there. He laughed and said no, he wasn't planning on it, but maybe it was something we should talk about.
And that's when I started to freak out.
I had just broken off an engagement TWO DAYS before. And he was already bringing up the "m" word? And he'd only been home from his mission for two weeks. He mentioned that August might be a good time, in between his summer and fall semesters at BYU.
Uhhh......I was just gonna marry one guy in August, and now you're talking about me marrying another one?
I managed to keep my cool and told him that I didn't think there was any big hurry.
We went to lunch at Chili's (because that's what we do), then went to see my mom at the small bookstore where she worked. We walked in smiling and holding hands and my mom nearly passed out. She did fall to the floor, thanking Heavenly Father. Superman asked me if we could go out on a date Thursday night, I request I was happy to grant.
I went to work that afternoon with a lot to think about. But the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't believe what I'd said and done. I felt like I really did love Superman but I was NOT ready for another serious relationship! I needed some time to heal from my last disaster of a relationship. I loved Superman, but I wasn't in love with him. There just hadn't been adequate time for that. I knew I was falling in love with him, but I wasn't quite there yet.
That night when we met up, I told Superman that I was having some second thoughts, and I was sorry I hadn't said more when we talked that morning.
He told me he had actually expected to hear all that when we had talked earlier, and he completely understood it. He said he'd still head to BYU in a few days (he had mentioned not going for the summer and us getting married), and for me just to take whatever time I needed. (Such a difference from when I said the same thing to Mr. Beatles.) Superman asked if I still wanted to go out on Thursday, which I did. I might not have been ready to marry him that instant, but I still really liked him!
The evening was an entire surprise, which I loved. We went to the Olive Garden, which is exactly what I would've picked if he'd asked my preference. Then we went back to my house where I was asked to change from my dressy clothes to some more casual clothes. When I was done changing, Superman blindfolded and escorted me to my parent's back patio. He had all the tiki torches and every candle my parents owned out and lit. The patio swing was set up in front of our little TV. (Superman obviously had some help getting things set up. My mom was mare than happy to help in any way.)
We sat snuggled up on the swing and watched "The Princess Bride," (our favorite cult classic) and "Anna and the King." The song at the end of that movie, "How can I not love you?" had become my theme song when Superman left on his mission. (I put it in my playlist. If you don't know the song, take a listen and you'll quickly understand why my teen-angst ridden heart identified with it.) When the song came on as the credits rolled, I mentioned that I loved it. Superman (who knows how to take a hint) asked if I'd like to dance. Which I did.
We danced, not really talking, while I thought about how much I had loved him before. When the song was over, he turned on the CD player he'd set up and our song (Everything I Do) came on. He whispered all the words to me again, and when he got to "I'd die for you, " I thought he was going to kiss me (recreating our first kiss). But he didn't. He just looked at me and let it all sink in. I put my head on his shoulder, grateful he didn't try to kiss me, but kinda wishing he had.
The next day, Friday, June 20, was Kelli's wedding reception. Superman was leaving for BYU the next day. His mom was driving him out, and my mom (her best friend) was worried about her driving home all by herself. So I asked his mom (Robin) if she'd like me to come and help drive back. She said she'd really appreciate it. I'm sure my mom had ulterior motives, but I didn't care. I wanted Robin to be safe on the 16-hour drive back, but I also wanted to see more of Superman. I needed to see more of him. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
So we headed out for Utah the next afternoon. They were taking their extended-cab pick-up. I think that's what you call it. I didn't have a full back seat -- just two seats you pulled down from the side. Not exactly the most comfortable thing to be sitting on for a long road trip. I ended up just sitting on the floor of the cab.
Once again, the drive out to Utah was utterly fantastic. This time, Superman shared story after story from his mission with his mom and I. (Since I had missed them all the night of his homecoming.) I felt the Spirit often throughout his stories. At one point, I remember looking up at him and feeling overwhelming feelings of love. (It's one of those images that's ingrained in my mind. We were driving through Colorado, and there were green mountains behind him.) I remember feeling love in all it's forms -- romantic love, the love you have for your family, the kind you feel for your best friend, and the kind that makes you want to give anything for that person. I was just overwhelmed by how strongly I felt.
We stopped in Grand Junction, CO just before midnight. We found a chapel and went to church the next morning before heading out. After church we stopped at Wendy's for lunch. Superman didn't go in with Robin and I because it was the Sabbath and he didn't want to purchase food. Robin and I were hungry enough that we were willing to bend the rules a bit. :o) I remember looking out the window, seeing Superman sitting in the truck, reading his scriptures.
Robin and I had a really good talk over lunch. She talked about how much she loved her son. (A LOT.) Then she talked about how much she loved my mom. (Almost as much.) She talked about how much my mom loved me. (A LOT.) She talked about what a hard time my mom had had when I was engaged to Mr. Beatles. It was hard for Rohin to see her best friend suffering so much while she was unable to do anything. Once Superman came home from his mission and realized that he needed to be part of my "intervention," she realized that she was going to have to sacrifice her son. She hadn't seen him for two years. Well, actually, she hadn't really seen him for 3 years. The summer we dated he was rarely home. Then he left for BASIC. When he got back, he was busy preparing for his mission and spending time with friends who needed him. She had really been looking forward to these weeks between his homecoming and going to school to spend with him.
But then she told me that she loved my mom enough to sacrifice her son so he could help me. And that she loved me that much, too.
In that moment, I got a brief glimpse of the love that Heavenly Father has for His Son, and His other children.
We drove the rest of the way to Provo that day. We checked into a hotel, drove around campus to find where Superman's classes the next would be, and drove by the apartment he'd move into.
The next day was a busy one. We dropped Superman off for his morning of classes. We checked into and moved some things into his apartment. We picked him up at noon and bought text books. Then we bought him some "normal" clothes, since all he really had was stuff from his mission. Then we actually bought a car for him. It was a crazy day.
It was a really hard day for me, too. We'd had such a great trip out. All the love I felt for him on Saturday, the discussions we'd had on Sunday.......it was so fantastic. I was falling more and more in love. We'd even held hands a few times. But Monday was so busy that there wasn't any time for "our relationship." I was also having some abdominal pain that made me cranky. Superman's normal teasing was just getting on my nerves. That, and being cramped in the back of a pick-up all day isn't exactly the funnest thing ever.
We went to Chili's that night for dinner (because that's what we do.) Superman and I drove back to the hotel in his car, so we'd have a chance to talk before Robin and I left the next day. He laid it on the line once again. He really wanted to date and be with me. He still had a few days to drop his classes if I wanted him to come back to Kansas for the summer. He still loved me.
I told him that I loved him, too.........as a best friend. It was the most I was able to give at the time. I'd felt such strong feelings over the weekend, but had been really confused when I wasn't completely infatuated with him that day. I thought that when you were in love, you were madly in love all the time, which I clearly wasn't. I really did love him as a best friend. I told him that I'd give my life for him. But that was all I could do at the time. He of course only heard, "I love you as a friend," and was heartbroken by that.
I told him that I did want to date him. I was only going to be 4 ours away in Rexburg. There were hundreds of couples who were in the same boat -- we'd make it work. We could talk on the phone and e-mail -- it'd be fine.
The next morning, Robin and I left for home. We had some really great talks that I'll go into later. (Yes, the saga's not over yet. But it's getting really close!) The next day, Wednesday, I was in a LOT of pain -- the same abdominal pain I'd been having on Monday, but far more intense. I went to the doctor, where they told me they thought I might have an ovarian cyst. They scheduled me to have an ultrasound the next day.
So I was a little scared that night. All I wanted to do was talk to Superman. I'd seen him every day since he got home from his mission nearly 3 weeks before, I and needed him. I really needed him. He had become my best friend again. But I didn't have his phone number. I knew the prefix (is that what you call the first 3 digits of a phone number?) and his apartment number, so I tried that. (A lot of the phone numbers at BYU-Idaho were that way.) Of course, that wasn't his number. But I was so desperate to talk to him, I tried different phone numbers for a solid hour. I had e-mailed him, but didn't hear back.
I went to bed that night scared and longing for Superman. I missed him SO MUCH and I honestly needed him. The more I thought of him, the more I wanted to be with him. The more I wanted him with me. The more I loved him.
I loved him. I really did. I realized it that night. Now that we were thousands of miles apart and I wasn't able to talk to him, I knew I loved him. I loved him with all my heart -- Wo quan zin de ai ni.
But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should marry them. I'd almost made that mistake before -- I'd only broken off my engagement to Mr. Beatles 11 days ago! This was crazy! What was I thinking? Was it just that I wanted to be married? That I wanted to be in love? Did I only love Superman because he wasn't there with me? WHAT KIND OF CRAZY GIRL WAS I?!?!?
I did NOT want to jump the gun again. I had convinced myself before that I'd had a witness from the Spirit that I was to marry someone. I was NOT going to make up something like that again. I would wait till I knew FOR SURE that God wanted me to marry the guy before I told him that *I* wanted to marry him.
So I was just waiting on the Lord.
Next time: Can I get a WITNESS?!?!?
8.27.2009
Our Story -- Can I get a WITNESS???
Just so you know, THIS IS THE LAST SEGMENT!!! YAY!!!!! I haven't even typed it yet, so I have no idea how long it will be, but no matter what, THIS WILL BE THE LAST SEGMENT!!! I miss having my blog available to write whatever I want. So with further ado, I give you The Conclusion.
I knew I loved Superman. I knew I was in love with him and wanted to marry him, but I wasn't about to mention any of that to him till I knew God wanted me to marry him.
A few days before this revelation, I was driving back from Utah with Superman's mom, Robin. We talked about a lot of things (this woman really is a second mother to me!) and finally got around to discussing me and her son. She said, "Well, it's no secret that Superman intends to make you his bride." I just looked at her like, "Really? It's not a secret?" Then she realized that it was more of a secret than she had thought.
She wasn't quite sure what to say then, so she told me that Superman had an experience after his sister's wedding and that she wasn't allowed to go into details. I said, "That's the day he said that thing to me in Chinese." (The day he told me he loved me.) Then Robin said, "What he said that day was a direct result of what happened after the wedding."
It was just two days after that conversation that the reality of my love for Superman hit me. Not only did I love him and he love me, but I had a pretty good feeling he wanted to marry me.
On Friday, (two days after I knew I loved him), we were talking on the phone about receiving answers to prayers, among other things. He had shared an experience about an answer he'd received recently, and I had a feeling it had to do with our relationship. At that point, I started to wonder if I should tell him that I loved him, and I wanted to ask if his answered prayer had anything to do with me. But I didn't know if I should say all that or not.
(I was a bit damaged by my relationship with Mr. Beatles. I'm normally an exceptionally confident person. But our failed relationship, and me knowing that I had fooled myself so completely, left me second-guessing myself at every turn. Should I say this? Should I do this? What if it's wrong? It was exhausting!)
So I was second-guessing my gut instincts. I told Superman that there was something I wanted to say, but didn't know if I should. He said, "Why don't you say a prayer about it?"
Hmm. Not a bad idea. So I did just that. I prayed, asking the Lord if I should tell Superman of my love and suspicions about his intentions.
As soon as I uttered the prayer, my heart started pounding. Now, I know that the Spirit speaks to everyone in different ways. It's common to hear of a burning in your bosom. I've never felt that. I know the Spirit is speaking to me when I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. And that's exactly what happened in that moment.
So I told him I loved him. I told him I knew he'd had some kind of experience after Kelli's wedding, and asked him if the answer to prayer he'd told me about was about our relationship.
Then he said that he needed to say a prayer.
A minute later, he answered my question. He said that yes, his recent answer prayer had to do with me. It was the same experience that his mom had told me about. He had prayed about his growing feelings for me, and wanted to know whether or not he should act on them. He only wanted to pursue a relationship if it was going to lead to marriage, and save us both the heartbreak if it wasn't.
He told me that the Lord answered his prayer, and said that I would be his wife -- that he was the man described in my patriarchal blessing.
When he told me that, my heart started pounding out of my chest again, and I knew that was the witness from the Spirit I had been waiting for. It was like I was hearing his testimony, and the Spirit was bearing witness of the truthfulness to me.
I knew we were supposed to be married, and I knew I knew it.
The next morning, I casually asked my mom over breakfast what she thought about a planning a wedding for December.
She nearly fainted.
That night, I went with Superman's parents and sisters to a wedding in their family. When I saw Robin, I gave her a hug and whispered in her that I was going to marry her son.
She nearly fainted, too.
Superman and I started praying about a wedding date. I wanted to get married in December. It was already the end of June. That would give us plenty of time. But he wasn't quite sure that was what we should do. He thought we should get married at the end of August, when he had a 2 week break between semesters.
I wasn't too thrilled about that time schedule. Not only was only 8 weeks away, but I had been planning a wedding TO ANOTHER GUY for August. It just felt so..........wrong to plan a wedding to someone else for the same month!
I should've realized by that point that what *I* thought was logical and what *God* knew to be best weren't always the same.
After a few days of serious prayer and soul-searching, I realized that August was when God wanted us to be married.
In a stroke of luck, my grandma just happened to be going out to Utah for a week to attend her great nephew's wedding. She was leaving on July 5 and was more than happy to have me along for the ride. I arranged to stay with a friend in Provo.
The entire week, Superman kept trying to trick me into thinking he was going to propose. The first night I was there, he asked me to get something from fridge. I opened it up to find a rose and a card that said, "Wonder Woman, will you ma---- (then I had to turn the card over) ---ke cookies with me while you're here?"
Ha ha.
And the next day he picked me up from my friends, opened my car door and bent to tie his shoe. He asked me to look in the glove box, where I found a small white box. I looked at him, knowing it wasn't the real thing, and he smiled and told me to open it. It, of course, was empty. I just told him that he hadn't fooled me and he'd half to do much better than that.
On Wednesday, July 9, we headed up to Salt Lake to spend some time on Temple Square. We walked around for a bit, then went to see The Testaments. It was perfect. I'd had a hard time while I'd been there. I knew I loved Superman, and that I wanted to marry him. I knew I was supposed to marry him. But just a month before, I'd been all lovey with another guy. And while Superman and I had completely rebuilt our relationship in the month he'd been home, it was basically a friendship. We'd only kissed on that one day, and only held hands on two different occasions. We parted as friends, and reunited knowing we'd get married. It was just a little awkward for me.
So going to see The Testaments that day was the best thing we could've done. It is impossible not to feel the Spirit when you watch that movie, and I needed that comforting presence to reassure me of correctness of my choice.
After The Testaments, Superman and I walked out to the Joseph and Emma Smith statue on Temple Square. We had talked about them a few nights previous and so it was a special place for us to be. He sat me down on the bench, then knelt and pulled out the ring from his pocket. He said, "I love you. I'll love you forever. I need you. Will you marry me?"
"Yes," I whispered, and kissed him.
And then I took a real look at the ring -- the first time I had seen it. We hadn't talked about a ring at all, so it was a total surprise! While I had a feeling that there was a special reason for us going to Temple Square that day, I didn't know for sure whether or not he was going to propose there, or how he was going to do it. (As compared to Mr. Beatles, where I knew every detail.) I love surprises, so it was perfect.
Anyway......the ring. Just to remind you all, I picked the ring Mr. Beatles and I bought. It was white gold, with a think band that held a round, floating diamond. It was gorgeous, but looked really bad on my pudgy finger. One of the things I was most worried about with the ring from Superman was that it was going to resemble my other ring, which I obviously didn't want.
I shouldn't have been worried. Superman had done his homework. He talked to my mom about it. She told him what my other ring had looked like. She'd also overheard me telling my best friend that I'd love a marquis cut diamond, and relayed that information. She also told him my ring-size.
The ring he picked was (is) gorgeous. It's yellow gold with a marquis diamond and a sapphire on each side of the diamond. After I told him I'd marry him, he explained the ring to me.
"I picked gold for your hair, the sapphires for your eyes, and diamond for your spirit, because it's the most brilliant part of you."
How freakin' sweet is that?!?!? Um, heckYES I will marry you!!!
The band is also really slender, which looks a whole lot better on my pudgy finger.
The next day, a very talented friend took engagement photos for us. (Little story for you: The engagements shots of Mr. Beatles and I were horrible. I'm not a photogenic person. Out of the 50 pictures we took, only ONE was good of me. The engagements with Superman? INCREDIBLE. Nearly every shot was a good one of me! Superman is highly photogenic, so that was never a worry, but I couldn't believe how well these turned out of me. I know it was because I was happy from the inside out, when that hadn't been the case before.)
Grandma and I drove back to Utah 2 days later, where the wedding plans commenced. Back when I was engaged to Mr. Beatles, I had asked my grandma if she'd sew my wedding dress. We bought a pattern and material in mid-May. So that hurdle was out of the way. She just had to sew it.
Superman's sister had just been married in June, so his mom had all kinds of decorations still. I decided just to go with the same color scheme because it would save us so much time and money. We even used the same bridesmaid dresses.
Superman and I decided to get married in Nauvoo, Illinois. The closest temple to us was in Oklahoma City, a three hour drive. That would've been fine, but it's a mini-temple and basically, I wanted a really picturesque temple. Also, Superman and I already had a "connection" to Joseph and Emma, so we thought Nauvoo was appropriate. Superman had never been to Nauvoo, and the temple had only been operating for about a year. I had actually gone to the open house the year before with the singles' ward and thought it would be totally awesome to get married there.
We picked it for a lot of reasons. :o)
The only drawback was that it was an 8-hour drive. But as we looked into things, we found that we could rent a house for a few days that slept like 30 people. (One room had 6 bunk beds!) It was a relatively low cost, so we decided to rent that for the wedding party.
Superman finished the summer semester on August 15, then drove to Kansas. We went to the Oklahoma City Temple on the 19th, where I received my endowment. On the Friday the 22nd we left for Nauvoo, and BARELY made it to the county seat before they closed for the weekend to get our marriage license.
We got married on Monday, August 25, 2003 in a beautiful ceremony. The officiator said some very special things to us, and Superman cried more than I did. It was the most important and beautiful day of my life.
We "honeymooned" in Nauvoo, then drove back to Wichita on Thursday, the 28th. Our reception was the next day, and it was exactly what I wanted. A huge party! We danced and danced and danced. There were a ton of people. We had a BLAST.
We packed up the next day and drove to Utah. We stayed the night in Denver, then drove the rest of the way on Sunday. Monday was labor day and we moved into our apartment, then Superman started classes on Tuesday.
Crazy, huh?
Just to be clear on this whole thing, I'm going to give a brief timeline of events.
June 3 - Superman comes home from his mission
6/7 - Intervention. Unload to Superman. Decide to go to Utah for wedding.
6/8 - Leave for Utah and Kelli's wedding
6/10 - Kelli's wedding, Superman says "I love you" in Chinese. Knows he is to marry me.
6/14 - Return to Kansas. Know that Superman probably loves me. Entertain possibility of "us."
6/15 - Officially break things off with Mr. Beatles
6/17 - Superman tells me he loves me. Kiss. I freak out later that night.
6/19 - Our one date with dinner, movie and dancing.
6/21 - Leave with Superman and his mom to drive him out to BYU.
6/22 - Completely infatuated. Intense feelings of love towards the Superman.
6/23 - Not infatuated. Thoroughly confused. "I love you, too . . . as a best friend."
6/24 - Drive home with Robin. Discover Superman had a special experience and intends to marry me.
6/25 - Possible ovarian cyst. Lots of pain and fear. All I want is to talk to Superman, but can't. Realize I actually do love him.
6/27 - Phone conversation with Superman. The Spirit testifies to me that I am to marry him.
6/28 to 7/1 - pray about the wedding date. Decide on late August.
7/5 - Drive to Utah with grandma.
7/9 - Superman proposes
8/25/03 - Marry in the Nauvoo Temple
(The quote says, "Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, loves gives us a fairy tale.")
So there you have it, folks!! Superman is the best man I know, and the best friend I've ever had. He truly saved my life, and my eternity. He's the only man I can actually see getting me to exaltation.
Whew. We now return you to your regularly scheduled aMAYzing and perfectly ordinary blog. Thanks for sticking it out with me.
I knew I loved Superman. I knew I was in love with him and wanted to marry him, but I wasn't about to mention any of that to him till I knew God wanted me to marry him.
A few days before this revelation, I was driving back from Utah with Superman's mom, Robin. We talked about a lot of things (this woman really is a second mother to me!) and finally got around to discussing me and her son. She said, "Well, it's no secret that Superman intends to make you his bride." I just looked at her like, "Really? It's not a secret?" Then she realized that it was more of a secret than she had thought.
She wasn't quite sure what to say then, so she told me that Superman had an experience after his sister's wedding and that she wasn't allowed to go into details. I said, "That's the day he said that thing to me in Chinese." (The day he told me he loved me.) Then Robin said, "What he said that day was a direct result of what happened after the wedding."
It was just two days after that conversation that the reality of my love for Superman hit me. Not only did I love him and he love me, but I had a pretty good feeling he wanted to marry me.
On Friday, (two days after I knew I loved him), we were talking on the phone about receiving answers to prayers, among other things. He had shared an experience about an answer he'd received recently, and I had a feeling it had to do with our relationship. At that point, I started to wonder if I should tell him that I loved him, and I wanted to ask if his answered prayer had anything to do with me. But I didn't know if I should say all that or not.
(I was a bit damaged by my relationship with Mr. Beatles. I'm normally an exceptionally confident person. But our failed relationship, and me knowing that I had fooled myself so completely, left me second-guessing myself at every turn. Should I say this? Should I do this? What if it's wrong? It was exhausting!)
So I was second-guessing my gut instincts. I told Superman that there was something I wanted to say, but didn't know if I should. He said, "Why don't you say a prayer about it?"
Hmm. Not a bad idea. So I did just that. I prayed, asking the Lord if I should tell Superman of my love and suspicions about his intentions.
As soon as I uttered the prayer, my heart started pounding. Now, I know that the Spirit speaks to everyone in different ways. It's common to hear of a burning in your bosom. I've never felt that. I know the Spirit is speaking to me when I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. And that's exactly what happened in that moment.
So I told him I loved him. I told him I knew he'd had some kind of experience after Kelli's wedding, and asked him if the answer to prayer he'd told me about was about our relationship.
Then he said that he needed to say a prayer.
A minute later, he answered my question. He said that yes, his recent answer prayer had to do with me. It was the same experience that his mom had told me about. He had prayed about his growing feelings for me, and wanted to know whether or not he should act on them. He only wanted to pursue a relationship if it was going to lead to marriage, and save us both the heartbreak if it wasn't.
He told me that the Lord answered his prayer, and said that I would be his wife -- that he was the man described in my patriarchal blessing.
When he told me that, my heart started pounding out of my chest again, and I knew that was the witness from the Spirit I had been waiting for. It was like I was hearing his testimony, and the Spirit was bearing witness of the truthfulness to me.
I knew we were supposed to be married, and I knew I knew it.
The next morning, I casually asked my mom over breakfast what she thought about a planning a wedding for December.
She nearly fainted.
That night, I went with Superman's parents and sisters to a wedding in their family. When I saw Robin, I gave her a hug and whispered in her that I was going to marry her son.
She nearly fainted, too.
Superman and I started praying about a wedding date. I wanted to get married in December. It was already the end of June. That would give us plenty of time. But he wasn't quite sure that was what we should do. He thought we should get married at the end of August, when he had a 2 week break between semesters.
I wasn't too thrilled about that time schedule. Not only was only 8 weeks away, but I had been planning a wedding TO ANOTHER GUY for August. It just felt so..........wrong to plan a wedding to someone else for the same month!
I should've realized by that point that what *I* thought was logical and what *God* knew to be best weren't always the same.
After a few days of serious prayer and soul-searching, I realized that August was when God wanted us to be married.
In a stroke of luck, my grandma just happened to be going out to Utah for a week to attend her great nephew's wedding. She was leaving on July 5 and was more than happy to have me along for the ride. I arranged to stay with a friend in Provo.
The entire week, Superman kept trying to trick me into thinking he was going to propose. The first night I was there, he asked me to get something from fridge. I opened it up to find a rose and a card that said, "Wonder Woman, will you ma---- (then I had to turn the card over) ---ke cookies with me while you're here?"
Ha ha.
And the next day he picked me up from my friends, opened my car door and bent to tie his shoe. He asked me to look in the glove box, where I found a small white box. I looked at him, knowing it wasn't the real thing, and he smiled and told me to open it. It, of course, was empty. I just told him that he hadn't fooled me and he'd half to do much better than that.
On Wednesday, July 9, we headed up to Salt Lake to spend some time on Temple Square. We walked around for a bit, then went to see The Testaments. It was perfect. I'd had a hard time while I'd been there. I knew I loved Superman, and that I wanted to marry him. I knew I was supposed to marry him. But just a month before, I'd been all lovey with another guy. And while Superman and I had completely rebuilt our relationship in the month he'd been home, it was basically a friendship. We'd only kissed on that one day, and only held hands on two different occasions. We parted as friends, and reunited knowing we'd get married. It was just a little awkward for me.
So going to see The Testaments that day was the best thing we could've done. It is impossible not to feel the Spirit when you watch that movie, and I needed that comforting presence to reassure me of correctness of my choice.
After The Testaments, Superman and I walked out to the Joseph and Emma Smith statue on Temple Square. We had talked about them a few nights previous and so it was a special place for us to be. He sat me down on the bench, then knelt and pulled out the ring from his pocket. He said, "I love you. I'll love you forever. I need you. Will you marry me?"
"Yes," I whispered, and kissed him.
And then I took a real look at the ring -- the first time I had seen it. We hadn't talked about a ring at all, so it was a total surprise! While I had a feeling that there was a special reason for us going to Temple Square that day, I didn't know for sure whether or not he was going to propose there, or how he was going to do it. (As compared to Mr. Beatles, where I knew every detail.) I love surprises, so it was perfect.
Anyway......the ring. Just to remind you all, I picked the ring Mr. Beatles and I bought. It was white gold, with a think band that held a round, floating diamond. It was gorgeous, but looked really bad on my pudgy finger. One of the things I was most worried about with the ring from Superman was that it was going to resemble my other ring, which I obviously didn't want.
I shouldn't have been worried. Superman had done his homework. He talked to my mom about it. She told him what my other ring had looked like. She'd also overheard me telling my best friend that I'd love a marquis cut diamond, and relayed that information. She also told him my ring-size.
The ring he picked was (is) gorgeous. It's yellow gold with a marquis diamond and a sapphire on each side of the diamond. After I told him I'd marry him, he explained the ring to me.
"I picked gold for your hair, the sapphires for your eyes, and diamond for your spirit, because it's the most brilliant part of you."
How freakin' sweet is that?!?!? Um, heckYES I will marry you!!!
The band is also really slender, which looks a whole lot better on my pudgy finger.
The next day, a very talented friend took engagement photos for us. (Little story for you: The engagements shots of Mr. Beatles and I were horrible. I'm not a photogenic person. Out of the 50 pictures we took, only ONE was good of me. The engagements with Superman? INCREDIBLE. Nearly every shot was a good one of me! Superman is highly photogenic, so that was never a worry, but I couldn't believe how well these turned out of me. I know it was because I was happy from the inside out, when that hadn't been the case before.)
Grandma and I drove back to Utah 2 days later, where the wedding plans commenced. Back when I was engaged to Mr. Beatles, I had asked my grandma if she'd sew my wedding dress. We bought a pattern and material in mid-May. So that hurdle was out of the way. She just had to sew it.
Superman's sister had just been married in June, so his mom had all kinds of decorations still. I decided just to go with the same color scheme because it would save us so much time and money. We even used the same bridesmaid dresses.
Superman and I decided to get married in Nauvoo, Illinois. The closest temple to us was in Oklahoma City, a three hour drive. That would've been fine, but it's a mini-temple and basically, I wanted a really picturesque temple. Also, Superman and I already had a "connection" to Joseph and Emma, so we thought Nauvoo was appropriate. Superman had never been to Nauvoo, and the temple had only been operating for about a year. I had actually gone to the open house the year before with the singles' ward and thought it would be totally awesome to get married there.
We picked it for a lot of reasons. :o)
The only drawback was that it was an 8-hour drive. But as we looked into things, we found that we could rent a house for a few days that slept like 30 people. (One room had 6 bunk beds!) It was a relatively low cost, so we decided to rent that for the wedding party.
Superman finished the summer semester on August 15, then drove to Kansas. We went to the Oklahoma City Temple on the 19th, where I received my endowment. On the Friday the 22nd we left for Nauvoo, and BARELY made it to the county seat before they closed for the weekend to get our marriage license.
We got married on Monday, August 25, 2003 in a beautiful ceremony. The officiator said some very special things to us, and Superman cried more than I did. It was the most important and beautiful day of my life.
We "honeymooned" in Nauvoo, then drove back to Wichita on Thursday, the 28th. Our reception was the next day, and it was exactly what I wanted. A huge party! We danced and danced and danced. There were a ton of people. We had a BLAST.
We packed up the next day and drove to Utah. We stayed the night in Denver, then drove the rest of the way on Sunday. Monday was labor day and we moved into our apartment, then Superman started classes on Tuesday.
Crazy, huh?
Just to be clear on this whole thing, I'm going to give a brief timeline of events.
June 3 - Superman comes home from his mission
6/7 - Intervention. Unload to Superman. Decide to go to Utah for wedding.
6/8 - Leave for Utah and Kelli's wedding
6/10 - Kelli's wedding, Superman says "I love you" in Chinese. Knows he is to marry me.
6/14 - Return to Kansas. Know that Superman probably loves me. Entertain possibility of "us."
6/15 - Officially break things off with Mr. Beatles
6/17 - Superman tells me he loves me. Kiss. I freak out later that night.
6/19 - Our one date with dinner, movie and dancing.
6/21 - Leave with Superman and his mom to drive him out to BYU.
6/22 - Completely infatuated. Intense feelings of love towards the Superman.
6/23 - Not infatuated. Thoroughly confused. "I love you, too . . . as a best friend."
6/24 - Drive home with Robin. Discover Superman had a special experience and intends to marry me.
6/25 - Possible ovarian cyst. Lots of pain and fear. All I want is to talk to Superman, but can't. Realize I actually do love him.
6/27 - Phone conversation with Superman. The Spirit testifies to me that I am to marry him.
6/28 to 7/1 - pray about the wedding date. Decide on late August.
7/5 - Drive to Utah with grandma.
7/9 - Superman proposes
8/25/03 - Marry in the Nauvoo Temple
(The quote says, "Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, loves gives us a fairy tale.")
So there you have it, folks!! Superman is the best man I know, and the best friend I've ever had. He truly saved my life, and my eternity. He's the only man I can actually see getting me to exaltation.
Whew. We now return you to your regularly scheduled aMAYzing and perfectly ordinary blog. Thanks for sticking it out with me.
8.21.2009
{random title here}
Something I re-learned yesterday: Turning the computer off at night means I'm productive the next morning! 4 loads of laundry, clean kitchen and living room, 2 loads of dishes. I was almost scared to turn on the computer when I was done with it all because I knew nothing else would get done!
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I have two new loves. One is fruit. I canNOT get enough of it! I've always loved fruit, just didn't buy a lot because I would forget about it and it would go bad. But now, I run out of it! Currently we have plums, grapes and apples that I munch on throughout the day. Yay for fruit!
My 2nd new love is one that I know many of you share with me. PROJECT RUNWAY. It's on Lifetime now, which means I can watch it! I watched last night's All Star Challenge, where finalists from the previous seasons came back and competed for $100,000 towards their business. I think the judges picked the right finalists, though I personally wouldn't have picked the winner they did. (I guess I'll be vague since there are probably some of you who haven't watched it on your DVRs yet.) But I was still pleased with the results and excited for the new season, which premiered directly afterward.
LOVED IT!!!!! I think they sent the right person home. Little too quirky for mainstream fashion, or even out-there fashion. I was glad that the other person in the bottom two didn't leave -- I think he deserved to stay and was simply really unlucky that week.
Does anyone know if they'll rebroadcast it throughout the week? It'd be nice if I didn't have to stay up till midnight every time a new episode airs.
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I had another crazy dream last night. I'll spare you all the details, but the gist of it was that Joel McHale was secretly married to Kristina P.!!! And if you know Kristina, you know that's probably a dream of hers, too!
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This up-coming school year is the last one I'll have with none of my kids attending school. For various reasons, I've decided not to send Spiderman to a pre-school this year. Instead, we'll just do some workbooks at home. I'm kind of looking forward to it! I hope to make a schedule and stick to it. I'm not a planner/organizer person like that, but I hope to adopt a little bit of that into my personality. I want to have specific hours each morning where I work with both boys for a time, then do art projects of some kind -- probably just play-doh or watercolors. We'll go to the library a few times a week for storytime activities, and possibly make the Bean Museum at BYU a regular activity, too. It's nice that my kids are finally old enough to go places like that and enjoy them. As compared to them running rampant through the place and me chasing them. Yes, I'm VERY glad that they've reached this stage.
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Okay. I think that's everything that's floating around in my head today. Have a maaaahhhhvelous weekend, dahling! And 10 random tunes for ya:
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I have two new loves. One is fruit. I canNOT get enough of it! I've always loved fruit, just didn't buy a lot because I would forget about it and it would go bad. But now, I run out of it! Currently we have plums, grapes and apples that I munch on throughout the day. Yay for fruit!
My 2nd new love is one that I know many of you share with me. PROJECT RUNWAY. It's on Lifetime now, which means I can watch it! I watched last night's All Star Challenge, where finalists from the previous seasons came back and competed for $100,000 towards their business. I think the judges picked the right finalists, though I personally wouldn't have picked the winner they did. (I guess I'll be vague since there are probably some of you who haven't watched it on your DVRs yet.) But I was still pleased with the results and excited for the new season, which premiered directly afterward.
LOVED IT!!!!! I think they sent the right person home. Little too quirky for mainstream fashion, or even out-there fashion. I was glad that the other person in the bottom two didn't leave -- I think he deserved to stay and was simply really unlucky that week.
Does anyone know if they'll rebroadcast it throughout the week? It'd be nice if I didn't have to stay up till midnight every time a new episode airs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had another crazy dream last night. I'll spare you all the details, but the gist of it was that Joel McHale was secretly married to Kristina P.!!! And if you know Kristina, you know that's probably a dream of hers, too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This up-coming school year is the last one I'll have with none of my kids attending school. For various reasons, I've decided not to send Spiderman to a pre-school this year. Instead, we'll just do some workbooks at home. I'm kind of looking forward to it! I hope to make a schedule and stick to it. I'm not a planner/organizer person like that, but I hope to adopt a little bit of that into my personality. I want to have specific hours each morning where I work with both boys for a time, then do art projects of some kind -- probably just play-doh or watercolors. We'll go to the library a few times a week for storytime activities, and possibly make the Bean Museum at BYU a regular activity, too. It's nice that my kids are finally old enough to go places like that and enjoy them. As compared to them running rampant through the place and me chasing them. Yes, I'm VERY glad that they've reached this stage.
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Okay. I think that's everything that's floating around in my head today. Have a maaaahhhhvelous weekend, dahling! And 10 random tunes for ya:
1. Ever the Same -- Rob Thomas
2. Heartless -- Kris Allen
3. 1, 2, 3, 4 -- Plain White Tees
4. Leavin' on a Jet Plane -- Chantel Kreviazuk
5. If You Wanna be Happy -- Jimmy Soul
6. Ain't too Proud to Beg -- the Temptations
7. My Life Would Suck Without You -- Kelly Clarkson
8. You Found Me -- The Fray
9. You're Never There -- Cake
10. Chasin' Pavements -- Adele
**Bonus** You're beautiful --James Blunt
Because YOU are beautiful.
Got some randomness you wanna share? Link up with me to the Motherboard!
8.20.2009
Lapping it up
This sweet little boy, crying in my lap
He's just sleepy and a bit upset and
I don't mind holding him, in fact,
It's kind of my job.
This little one has always been a cuddler
Something I've enjoyed
As I console him and ease his mind,
The thought crosses my mind that
I won't have this much longer.
Soon my belly will swell,
Consuming the lap my littlest loves.
And when it's no longer swollen,
I'll have a new little one
Demanding to be consoled.
And it's quite possible that
By the time the newest will allow me,
My sweet boy won't want to cuddle anymore.
They all grow out of it at some time or another.
So sob away, sweet boy
Grab your blanket and cuddle up on my lap
I will savor these fleeting moments
Like I'd savor my last piece of See's chocolate
He's just sleepy and a bit upset and
I don't mind holding him, in fact,
It's kind of my job.
This little one has always been a cuddler
Something I've enjoyed
As I console him and ease his mind,
The thought crosses my mind that
I won't have this much longer.
Soon my belly will swell,
Consuming the lap my littlest loves.
And when it's no longer swollen,
I'll have a new little one
Demanding to be consoled.
And it's quite possible that
By the time the newest will allow me,
My sweet boy won't want to cuddle anymore.
They all grow out of it at some time or another.
So sob away, sweet boy
Grab your blanket and cuddle up on my lap
I will savor these fleeting moments
Like I'd savor my last piece of See's chocolate
Maybe even more.
I just hope there's a few hidden pieces
I just hope there's a few hidden pieces
You're saving for me later.
8.19.2009
What do David Hasselhoff and the show More to Love have in common?
The Hoff has more chest hair to love? More to Hassle? Is he going to be the next bachelor on the plus-sized dating show?
Nope. What they have in common is the simple fact that both were in a dream I had last night.
That's right -- "I have a dream that one day, a plus-sized woman will be able to score a man like David Hasselhoff! I have a dream that one day, women will not be judged by the size of their waistline, but by their ability to charm a large man in a matter of weeks! I have a dream that one day, men will not be judged by the hairiness of their chest, or the successfulness of their German tours, but by their ability to broadcast women's assets in slow-motion!"
In reality, this was not like my dream at all. If I remember correctly, the Hoff actually played a pretty small role. (Which is not a surprise, really.) My dream was mostly about the people from More to Love. Have you seen or heard of the show? I think it's on Fox, and the premise is that it's The Bachelor for "real" women. The bachelor is a larger man, and his prospects are larger women.
Now, I'm sure you expect that I've watched every episode, since I'm such a reality show junkie. But I've only seen one episode. It's on when Superman's home, and he's not exactly a fan of the reality TV in general, especially when it showcases "less-than-perfect" people. (He's REALLY not a fan of The Biggest Loser. Which I love and watch anyway.)
So..........my dream. The longer I'm awake, the more the details are fading, so forgive me if none of this makes sense. Of course, this is a dream, and when do those ever really make sense?
Here's what I remember: They were having some kind of reunion show for More to Love, and I was there. It was being filmed in a bungalow style house. The bachelor was there, sitting next to a woman. They were juggling small twins between the two of them, and I think there was also a toddler crawling all over them.
Several things caught my attention about the situation, the first being that the woman he was with was not a large woman! She was rather thin and quite homely. She was really pale with short red hair and no make-up. I thought it was odd that she wasn't large like all the other bachelorettes were, but just assumed that the show wasn't really about big people, but people who otherwise wouldn't have a chance to be on a reality dating show.
The second thing I noticed was that hello, they had 3 kids!! The show just barely ended! When did they have kids?!
The third thing I noticed was that the show wasn't over yet!! The last time I had seen the show (in real life) there were like 8 women left. I couldn't believe they were airing this episode when the show wasn't over! What incentive was there for people to watch the rest of it?
Then I realized why they were taping it. (This part is kind of sad.) One of the women the bachelor had let go actually committed suicide. They were taping a special to deal with that. They showed her picture and I was like, "Oh! I remember her." They talked about how when she left the show she promised to get counseling, but apparently never did.
About this time all the kids started getting fussy and I realized that I was there to help with the kids. So I took one of the babies and started shushing it.
**About this time, the dogs started barking. I don't know what their deal was last night, but they woke me up 3 times barking at something! So I came out of my dream, sat up and yelled at the dogs, then fell back asleep.**
In my dream, I was looking out my bedroom window at the dogs again. And who do I see but David Hasselhoff! He's wearing his Baywatch garb, strutting right by my window because he's just taken care of the dogs. But I was kinda angry about it. I knew that he was going to come in and expect me to treat him like the "star" he is. Which meant I was going to have to get out of bed. And get dressed. Ugh.
Then I woke up to the dogs again, and the pleas for breakfast from my sweet children.
I must admit that having dreams is one of the funnest parts of being pregnant for me. While I know I have dreams when I'm not pregnant, I usually forget them the second I wake up. But when I'm pregnant, they are so vivid. The first time I realized I dreamt in color was when I was pregnant. I still remember it -- the woman was wearing a green dress, and as I related the dream to a friend, I got really excited at the fact that I remembered that detail. Same with the woman's red hair in this dream. And the Hoff's Baywatch outfit.
As I look back at this dream, I can trace a lot of it to details from my day. I saw commercials for America's Got Talent and More to Love last night. I talked to a friend about therapy. I read MommyJ's post about the possibility of having another set of twins. I watched a little Sex and the City last night and thought about how unattrative I think Cynthia Nixon is. (Hence the thin, unattrative red-head he chose.) So this wasn't a completely random dream.
Nope. What they have in common is the simple fact that both were in a dream I had last night.
That's right -- "I have a dream that one day, a plus-sized woman will be able to score a man like David Hasselhoff! I have a dream that one day, women will not be judged by the size of their waistline, but by their ability to charm a large man in a matter of weeks! I have a dream that one day, men will not be judged by the hairiness of their chest, or the successfulness of their German tours, but by their ability to broadcast women's assets in slow-motion!"
In reality, this was not like my dream at all. If I remember correctly, the Hoff actually played a pretty small role. (Which is not a surprise, really.) My dream was mostly about the people from More to Love. Have you seen or heard of the show? I think it's on Fox, and the premise is that it's The Bachelor for "real" women. The bachelor is a larger man, and his prospects are larger women.
Now, I'm sure you expect that I've watched every episode, since I'm such a reality show junkie. But I've only seen one episode. It's on when Superman's home, and he's not exactly a fan of the reality TV in general, especially when it showcases "less-than-perfect" people. (He's REALLY not a fan of The Biggest Loser. Which I love and watch anyway.)
So..........my dream. The longer I'm awake, the more the details are fading, so forgive me if none of this makes sense. Of course, this is a dream, and when do those ever really make sense?
Here's what I remember: They were having some kind of reunion show for More to Love, and I was there. It was being filmed in a bungalow style house. The bachelor was there, sitting next to a woman. They were juggling small twins between the two of them, and I think there was also a toddler crawling all over them.
Several things caught my attention about the situation, the first being that the woman he was with was not a large woman! She was rather thin and quite homely. She was really pale with short red hair and no make-up. I thought it was odd that she wasn't large like all the other bachelorettes were, but just assumed that the show wasn't really about big people, but people who otherwise wouldn't have a chance to be on a reality dating show.
The second thing I noticed was that hello, they had 3 kids!! The show just barely ended! When did they have kids?!
The third thing I noticed was that the show wasn't over yet!! The last time I had seen the show (in real life) there were like 8 women left. I couldn't believe they were airing this episode when the show wasn't over! What incentive was there for people to watch the rest of it?
Then I realized why they were taping it. (This part is kind of sad.) One of the women the bachelor had let go actually committed suicide. They were taping a special to deal with that. They showed her picture and I was like, "Oh! I remember her." They talked about how when she left the show she promised to get counseling, but apparently never did.
About this time all the kids started getting fussy and I realized that I was there to help with the kids. So I took one of the babies and started shushing it.
**About this time, the dogs started barking. I don't know what their deal was last night, but they woke me up 3 times barking at something! So I came out of my dream, sat up and yelled at the dogs, then fell back asleep.**
In my dream, I was looking out my bedroom window at the dogs again. And who do I see but David Hasselhoff! He's wearing his Baywatch garb, strutting right by my window because he's just taken care of the dogs. But I was kinda angry about it. I knew that he was going to come in and expect me to treat him like the "star" he is. Which meant I was going to have to get out of bed. And get dressed. Ugh.
Then I woke up to the dogs again, and the pleas for breakfast from my sweet children.
I must admit that having dreams is one of the funnest parts of being pregnant for me. While I know I have dreams when I'm not pregnant, I usually forget them the second I wake up. But when I'm pregnant, they are so vivid. The first time I realized I dreamt in color was when I was pregnant. I still remember it -- the woman was wearing a green dress, and as I related the dream to a friend, I got really excited at the fact that I remembered that detail. Same with the woman's red hair in this dream. And the Hoff's Baywatch outfit.
As I look back at this dream, I can trace a lot of it to details from my day. I saw commercials for America's Got Talent and More to Love last night. I talked to a friend about therapy. I read MommyJ's post about the possibility of having another set of twins. I watched a little Sex and the City last night and thought about how unattrative I think Cynthia Nixon is. (Hence the thin, unattrative red-head he chose.) So this wasn't a completely random dream.
What about you? Any crazy dreams last night you want to share? Or a particularly memorable dream? Are your dreams more vivid when you're pregnant?
8.18.2009
reason #13 I love little boys
A few weeks ago, the Hulk came in while I was getting ready and started talking to me.
H: "Mom, did you get married in the temple?"
WW: (quickly recovering from shock of surprising topic) "Yes, Daddy and I were married in the temple."
H: "Why?"
WW: "Because that's where Heavenly Father wants us to get married."
H: "Why?"
WW: "Because when we get married there, it means we're together after we die. Isn't that
great?"
H: "I don't want to die. I just want to fight."
Thank heaven for little boys.
H: "Mom, did you get married in the temple?"
WW: (quickly recovering from shock of surprising topic) "Yes, Daddy and I were married in the temple."
H: "Why?"
WW: "Because that's where Heavenly Father wants us to get married."
H: "Why?"
WW: "Because when we get married there, it means we're together after we die. Isn't that
great?"
H: "I don't want to die. I just want to fight."
Thank heaven for little boys.
8.16.2009
Does a mother forget her child?
I have a strong tendency to hijack comments and leave really long responses in people's comment boxes. In an attempt to avoid the hijacking, I'm going to post what I almost shared in response to this post from Fiauna.
Once a few years ago when Spiderman was under 2 and the Hulk was just a newborn, I was asked a question that caught me off guard.
It was in a Sunday School class where we were discussing the Old Testament. The Hulk had been fussy and so I was standing in the back of the gym, shushing him and trying really hard to pay attention to the lesson.
The teacher had just read Isaiah 49:15, which reads, "Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee."
And probably because I was standing at the back and drawing attention to myself, the teacher (who at the time was without children) said, "Sister aMayzing, isn't this the case? When you have to leave your children, doesn't it make you just a little bit sad?"
I was completely caught off guard and didn't have the presence of mind to lie, so I told the truth.
"Actually, sometimes I leave the house specifically to get away from my children. I wouldn't say it makes me 'sad,' but I don't exactly 'forget' them either..."
(At this point, I realized that I wasn't giving the response the teacher wanted and frantically searched for a way to tie what I was saying into what she wanted me to say.)
...But even if I've just been gone for a couple of hours, I come home and realize that I actually have missed them."
I think the teacher was a bit surprised at my less-than-perfect response, but I had more than one woman in the ward tell me afterward that they appreciated my comment. No problem! Anytime you need validation that you're not the only imperfect mother out there, you know where to find me!
My answer still applies. Sometimes I still leave the house (when Superman's home!) for the specific purpose of taking time off from my boys. But every time I come home, I find that I have missed them! It always seems like they've grown. I realize that they lived entire hours of their life that I wasn't a part of -- that I don't know all the details of. And it makes me kind of sad and little regretful for leaving.
But only a little regretful. I recognize my need for time away from my home and children -- whether it's time grocery shopping in peace or building relationships with other women. I need that time to stay in touch with me.
I don't 'forget' my children, but I don't want to 'forget' who I am, either.
Once a few years ago when Spiderman was under 2 and the Hulk was just a newborn, I was asked a question that caught me off guard.
It was in a Sunday School class where we were discussing the Old Testament. The Hulk had been fussy and so I was standing in the back of the gym, shushing him and trying really hard to pay attention to the lesson.
The teacher had just read Isaiah 49:15, which reads, "Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee."
And probably because I was standing at the back and drawing attention to myself, the teacher (who at the time was without children) said, "Sister aMayzing, isn't this the case? When you have to leave your children, doesn't it make you just a little bit sad?"
I was completely caught off guard and didn't have the presence of mind to lie, so I told the truth.
"Actually, sometimes I leave the house specifically to get away from my children. I wouldn't say it makes me 'sad,' but I don't exactly 'forget' them either..."
(At this point, I realized that I wasn't giving the response the teacher wanted and frantically searched for a way to tie what I was saying into what she wanted me to say.)
...But even if I've just been gone for a couple of hours, I come home and realize that I actually have missed them."
I think the teacher was a bit surprised at my less-than-perfect response, but I had more than one woman in the ward tell me afterward that they appreciated my comment. No problem! Anytime you need validation that you're not the only imperfect mother out there, you know where to find me!
My answer still applies. Sometimes I still leave the house (when Superman's home!) for the specific purpose of taking time off from my boys. But every time I come home, I find that I have missed them! It always seems like they've grown. I realize that they lived entire hours of their life that I wasn't a part of -- that I don't know all the details of. And it makes me kind of sad and little regretful for leaving.
But only a little regretful. I recognize my need for time away from my home and children -- whether it's time grocery shopping in peace or building relationships with other women. I need that time to stay in touch with me.
I don't 'forget' my children, but I don't want to 'forget' who I am, either.
8.14.2009
friday = random= yay!
Yesterday, I got to hang out with the fabulous Frumpy Luv. What? You do not know her, you say? 'Tis sad and oh so unfortunate for you. Frumpy is awesome. She is one of the first bloggers I got to know that I didn't already know. (You know what I'm saying?) The woman is hilarious. You probably don't know her because she's backed off of the blogging for about the last year. Between brain surgery, recooperation, and studying to be a bonafide lawyer, she wisely decided to put blogging on the back burner. She updates every now and then, but she normally has comments off. (Something I could never fathom.)
Anyway.... she is visiting family in Utah for a week or two and invited my boys and I to hang out with her family yesterday. We went swimming for about 3 hours, and it was a blast. The kids did great, except for the time that the Hulk almost jumped in the deep end to get a toy. I yelled and yelled at him to stop, but I was all the way at the other end of the pool and he didn't hear me. I realized that he was actually going to jump in and DIE if I didn't get down there, so I started stroking my heart out to get to him. One of Frumpy's sisters sitting next to the pool realized what was happening and ran down there, stopping him. I got out and gave him a stern talking to. ("If you get in right there, you will DIE. Do you want to DIE?") Other than that, though he was great.
The biggest problem with swimming yesterday was my foolishness in not reapplying my sunscreen. I am dealing with a massive sunburn because of it. I'm sitting here in a tank top {scandalous!} with cool cloths on my shoulders. We applied a few coats of aloe vera last night, but I think I might actually have a small blister, indicating a 2nd degree burn. Superman says he heard you're not supposed to put aloe on those, so I'm doing the next best thing.
Hopefully I won't need skin grafts or anything.
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Don't you hate when you try to pull a mascara clump off an eyelash, and end up pulling out the lash?
I hate that.
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I am SO VERY EXCITED FOR TONIGHT!!!! Terresa, the rockstar who makes Chocolate Chip Waffles is visiting Utah and has organized a ladies' night out! We'll be going to the Macaroni Grill at the Riverwoods in Provo for dinner tonight at 6. Do you read The Chocolate Chip Waffle? You should. The woman's amazing. She's a superb writer. Her specialty is taking the mundane things you do everyday and writing about them in a way that makes you think they are special and beautiful. She's also a fantastic poet and quote-collector. And she homebirths. She homebirthed TWINS, people. Don't you want to meet someone like that?
Come to Macaroni Grill tonight and you can. We'll be wearing purple hats.
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My reader is working again!!! I use bloglines instead of google reader. I've just always done it that way and didn't want to put the energy into changing. But for the last several months, it hasn't been working correctly. I can see who has new posts up, but I can't read them in reader format! I have to open their blog in a new window. The plus side of this is that I have just about every's addy memorized. The downside is that it wastes a LOT of time.
But the reader's working again! I can go back to reading and not commenting, if I so choose. Ü (Not that I ever do that.......)
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Remember that theater in the park thing that I'm going to be part of? It's really taking off. The director Carob and I went to an Arts Council meeting on Tuesday. She's officially part of the council, and I went just to kind of take notes and be in the background. Except, that's not the way the meeting went. There were about 4 people there, other than Carob and I, and we just sat in a small conference room at a table. There was no background for me to fade into. And now I think I'm part of the council.
Kind of crazy.
This is all so crazy to me! I've always wanted to be more involved in theater, just never had the time. I still don't really have the time, but I'm doing it anyway. I think it'll be worth the sacrifice.
One of the things were were discussing was the cost-effectiveness of ad space in our local newspaper. It's got a pretty small circulation, and we just weren't sure if it was the best use of our small funding. One of the council member suggested that we write an article about the production and submit it to the paper instead. Which is obviously a fantastic idea!
The exciting thing about that is that I've actually written for a newspaper. Did you know that about me? It's true. I actually earned a scholarsip from BYU-Idaho, working on the campus newspaper there. So writing an article for our local paper isn't as daunting as it might be.
Though it's still fairly daunting. I haven't done any writing like that in over 6 years. I'll have to pull out some old articles and brush up on my skills. Bowhunting skills, nun-chuck skills, lyger-drawing skills......
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I guess that's it for my randomness today. Spiderman is begging to get on pbskids.org, I've got clothes begging to be washed and dishes begging to be done. The dishes in particular are the bane of my existence right now. I always hate doing the dishes, but I positively loathe it when I'm pregnant. I tend to let the dishes sit too long, which means they reek by the time I get to them. And you all know what disgusting smells do to pregnant women. I have to make sure my stomach is full and I'm using a lot of lemon dishsoap when I'm washing them. Plus I have get all purdied-up for the dinner tonight. And finish up grocery shopping. And keep the house clean.
Good heavens. I have a lot to do!
Have a fantastic weekend!
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Oh, yeah. Random tunes. I don't have any new stuff, but I'm pushing "random" on my sidebar player right now. It really is the soundtrack of my life.
1. Your Call -- Secondhand Serenade (Still obsessed with this song and band.)
2. No Place that Far -- Sara Evans (when I was 13, I imagine this song was about me and missionary. So embarrassing.....)
3. Somebody to Love -- Queen (Is Queen on Rockband? They should be.)
4. Eight Days a Week -- the Beatles (they're coming to Rockband. Sweet.)
5. 3 am -- Matchbox 20 (Classic "back-in-the-day" song.)
6. Day Tripper -- David Cook ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
7. 500 miles -- the Proclaimers (this was a "Superman song" I identified with when he was on his mission)
8. Mr. Brightside -- the Killers (guilty pleasure)
9. Wishin' and Hopin' -- Annie DeFranco (BFF in HS used this song to figure out how to get guys. It didn't work.)
10. Rock This Town -- Stray Cats (Superman and I would swing dance to this at stake dances.)
**Bonus** Where I Stood -- Missy Higgins (chilling and moving)
Anyway.... she is visiting family in Utah for a week or two and invited my boys and I to hang out with her family yesterday. We went swimming for about 3 hours, and it was a blast. The kids did great, except for the time that the Hulk almost jumped in the deep end to get a toy. I yelled and yelled at him to stop, but I was all the way at the other end of the pool and he didn't hear me. I realized that he was actually going to jump in and DIE if I didn't get down there, so I started stroking my heart out to get to him. One of Frumpy's sisters sitting next to the pool realized what was happening and ran down there, stopping him. I got out and gave him a stern talking to. ("If you get in right there, you will DIE. Do you want to DIE?") Other than that, though he was great.
The biggest problem with swimming yesterday was my foolishness in not reapplying my sunscreen. I am dealing with a massive sunburn because of it. I'm sitting here in a tank top {scandalous!} with cool cloths on my shoulders. We applied a few coats of aloe vera last night, but I think I might actually have a small blister, indicating a 2nd degree burn. Superman says he heard you're not supposed to put aloe on those, so I'm doing the next best thing.
Hopefully I won't need skin grafts or anything.
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Don't you hate when you try to pull a mascara clump off an eyelash, and end up pulling out the lash?
I hate that.
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I am SO VERY EXCITED FOR TONIGHT!!!! Terresa, the rockstar who makes Chocolate Chip Waffles is visiting Utah and has organized a ladies' night out! We'll be going to the Macaroni Grill at the Riverwoods in Provo for dinner tonight at 6. Do you read The Chocolate Chip Waffle? You should. The woman's amazing. She's a superb writer. Her specialty is taking the mundane things you do everyday and writing about them in a way that makes you think they are special and beautiful. She's also a fantastic poet and quote-collector. And she homebirths. She homebirthed TWINS, people. Don't you want to meet someone like that?
Come to Macaroni Grill tonight and you can. We'll be wearing purple hats.
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My reader is working again!!! I use bloglines instead of google reader. I've just always done it that way and didn't want to put the energy into changing. But for the last several months, it hasn't been working correctly. I can see who has new posts up, but I can't read them in reader format! I have to open their blog in a new window. The plus side of this is that I have just about every's addy memorized. The downside is that it wastes a LOT of time.
But the reader's working again! I can go back to reading and not commenting, if I so choose. Ü (Not that I ever do that.......)
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Remember that theater in the park thing that I'm going to be part of? It's really taking off. The director Carob and I went to an Arts Council meeting on Tuesday. She's officially part of the council, and I went just to kind of take notes and be in the background. Except, that's not the way the meeting went. There were about 4 people there, other than Carob and I, and we just sat in a small conference room at a table. There was no background for me to fade into. And now I think I'm part of the council.
Kind of crazy.
This is all so crazy to me! I've always wanted to be more involved in theater, just never had the time. I still don't really have the time, but I'm doing it anyway. I think it'll be worth the sacrifice.
One of the things were were discussing was the cost-effectiveness of ad space in our local newspaper. It's got a pretty small circulation, and we just weren't sure if it was the best use of our small funding. One of the council member suggested that we write an article about the production and submit it to the paper instead. Which is obviously a fantastic idea!
The exciting thing about that is that I've actually written for a newspaper. Did you know that about me? It's true. I actually earned a scholarsip from BYU-Idaho, working on the campus newspaper there. So writing an article for our local paper isn't as daunting as it might be.
Though it's still fairly daunting. I haven't done any writing like that in over 6 years. I'll have to pull out some old articles and brush up on my skills. Bowhunting skills, nun-chuck skills, lyger-drawing skills......
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I guess that's it for my randomness today. Spiderman is begging to get on pbskids.org, I've got clothes begging to be washed and dishes begging to be done. The dishes in particular are the bane of my existence right now. I always hate doing the dishes, but I positively loathe it when I'm pregnant. I tend to let the dishes sit too long, which means they reek by the time I get to them. And you all know what disgusting smells do to pregnant women. I have to make sure my stomach is full and I'm using a lot of lemon dishsoap when I'm washing them. Plus I have get all purdied-up for the dinner tonight. And finish up grocery shopping. And keep the house clean.
Good heavens. I have a lot to do!
Have a fantastic weekend!
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Oh, yeah. Random tunes. I don't have any new stuff, but I'm pushing "random" on my sidebar player right now. It really is the soundtrack of my life.
1. Your Call -- Secondhand Serenade (Still obsessed with this song and band.)
2. No Place that Far -- Sara Evans (when I was 13, I imagine this song was about me and missionary. So embarrassing.....)
3. Somebody to Love -- Queen (Is Queen on Rockband? They should be.)
4. Eight Days a Week -- the Beatles (they're coming to Rockband. Sweet.)
5. 3 am -- Matchbox 20 (Classic "back-in-the-day" song.)
6. Day Tripper -- David Cook ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
7. 500 miles -- the Proclaimers (this was a "Superman song" I identified with when he was on his mission)
8. Mr. Brightside -- the Killers (guilty pleasure)
9. Wishin' and Hopin' -- Annie DeFranco (BFF in HS used this song to figure out how to get guys. It didn't work.)
10. Rock This Town -- Stray Cats (Superman and I would swing dance to this at stake dances.)
**Bonus** Where I Stood -- Missy Higgins (chilling and moving)
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