"Someday" my Prince will come

In response to Superman's mildly-inappropriate post about the hottest Disney princess, I've decided to share my thoughts on the Disney princes.

First of all, this guy isn't even a prince. He's not even rich. And honestly, liars and wannabe pedophiles have never really been my cup of tea. John Smith definitely at the bottom of my totem pole. I think I saw his picture here.



Ah, Prince Charming #1. What do we know about this man? Not much. Not even his real name. He serenades squeaky-voiced wash maids and kisses random women while they're sleeping. He'd better watch out -- Ross did that once and ended up kissing his sister. It's just not a good idea, my friend.


And seriously? Simba? The hottest part about Simba is Jonathan Taylor Thomas. (You know you had a crush on him.) It's definitely not the Matthew Broderick aspect. (I think I just threw up a bit it my mouth.) Not to mention the fact that Simba has serious confidence issues for most of the movie. And we all know that confidence is one of the hottest things about a guy.



Now, here's a man not lacking in confidence. Not only Li-Shang exceptionally confident with a golden-boy voice, but he's shirtless for half the movie! And that man is built. I wouldn't mind defeating some of his honey buns!

Prince Charming #2. What can I even say about the guy? He didn't want to get married, sees some hot chick while he's dancing with someone else, and is immediately in love with her? Riiiiight. I'm pretty sure "So this is love" was originally "So this is lust," but old Walt wasn't terribly fond of that and made the song-writers change it. I mean, what kind of guy is in love with a girl and doesn't know her name? What did they talk about? The fact that they both knew the same song and could harmonize? I suppose the guy's attractive, but he seems kinda dumb to me.

Now, if we were only talking about fairy tales, and not Disney movies specifically, my opinion would be entirely different. Dougray Scott's Prince Henry in Ever After would be the clear winner in my book. I L O V E D that movie when it came out. Still love it. And I'm not a Drew Barrymore fan. But that movie makes the Cinderella story a completely believeable one. Not to mention the hilarious wailing Spanish princess.

But I digress.

The point is, Cinderella's prince also falls short.










The Beast is a difficult one for me. Am I supposed to look past his gruff and exceptionally hairy exterior like Belle did? I'm just not sure I can do that. It's true that women aren't physiologically stimulated by outward appearance, but it sure doesn't hurt to have a man you like to look at. And even when love transforms him back into a human......... uhh, he's gross. I've honestly always thought the human beast was intensely unattractive.


This one's for you, Aubrey. I really tried to like him. It was while watching Anastasia that Superman and I held hands for the first time, so I have a special place in my heart for the movie. But while Dimiti is attractive, he's just a con-artist. He finds some girl who looks like the lost princess and teaches her how to be a princess for a cut of the crown jewels. Sorry, Aubrey, but this Commie ain't the hottest.

Prince Ali. We're getting a little warmer here. Aladdin's got the tall, dark and handsome thing going for him, but once again, not a real prince. And I don't care if he's a diamond in the rough, I just want diamonds. Some of my best friends are diamonds. And now that the Genie's free, he's just the loser friend that won't get a job, sleeping on your couch.


Eric is nice but he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. "Kiss the Girl" almost makes up for it, but he was just too slow making his move.


Zero to hero, this buff dude has got quite a bit going for him. Son of the king of the gods, strong as an immortal, and he's even an action figure! You all know what I sucker I am for a guy like that. HE'S AN ACTION FIGURE. Of course I'm talking the pre-Meg Herc, because I'm sure the post-Meg Herc has herpes.



And so without further ado, I give you my winner:


Prince Phillip is the ultimate for me. He was drawn in not by Briar Rose's looks, but by her voice. (Of course, the looks didn't hurt.) Then he begins to sing and dance with her throughout the forest...........oh I SWOON!!! They take a leisurely and romantic stroll through the woods, and when Phillip leads her to the lookout point, he doesn't even try to kiss her!! The ultimate gentleman.

By this point he's so in love that he's willing to embrace the spirit of the 14th century and go against his pre-arranged marriage to wed a peasant girl. Forget his father's plans -- he's a man who knows what he wants. And when the going gets tough, did this tough guy get going? NO!! He breaks out of jail, and rides through rainbows to fight a dragon for his woman. Did you hear me? He fought a dragon. How many overweight fantasy football dead-end job husbands fight dragons? HE FIGHTS DRAGONS. DRAGONS. And evil twisting thorn branches. Then delivers the most perfect kiss EVER to the most doll-like looking princess EVER then dances into the clouds.........

Talk about sweeping a girl off her feet. I swoon again.


So there you have it, ladies. My pick for ultimate prince is Phillip, but who's yours?