The Women of the Summer of 1000 Dreams

Superman is doing a guest post for me today. Consider yourself warned!

My wife has asked me to do a guest post a couple of times. She thinks I'm funny and laughed all through my sincere attempts to educate all you blog-addicted housewives of the dangers of a zombie invasion. As frustrating as her laughter about such a serious topic maybe I did concede to do a guest post as long as it was about something else that I am equally passionate about.

CHICKS
(not the barnyard type)
(not only the barnyard type)

So here is my attempt to solve one of the most heated debates of our time. We were all but children when these women first came into our lives and now in celebration of the Summer of 1000 Dreams, here is a list of the women who fill my dreams. Disney princesses. Who is the hottest Disney Princess of all time?

All right, let's face it. Whether we are white or copper skinned this vixen can sing with all the voices of the mountains and was definitely painted with the best colors of the wind.
But I just can't get past the fact that this Tyra Banks-shaped hottie is 12 years old. DO YOU HEAR ME, SICKOS? She's a Beehive. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Mulan has spirit but kinda looks like a boy. Honestly, I bet she could sneak into an all boys club and not even be noticed. So even with the risk of dishonor on me my family and my cow, Mulan is NOT HOT.

Snow White labors under the burden of being the post-war, ultra conservative vision of the dream girl. Completely modest and soft spoken. Not to mention she was hardworking and devoted enough to cook and clean for 7 unruly bachelors. I should hook up with her just for that. But when it comes to looks . . . it's said she's the 'fairest in the land.' The fairest of them all, right? Well I'd hope so. The only other people in that land are dirty grumpy dwarves. Even Sarah Jessica Parker could be the fairest of them all with that kind of competition. Luckily, our choices aren't limited to this one grotesque kingdom.

Here we go. Sleeping Beauty. Aurora. They named her after the dawn because she filled their lives with sunshine. This girl has it all. Lips to shame the red red rose, hair like sun shine gold and she looks equally captivating in pink or blue. Beautiful, yes . . . but hot? I don't know. The lazy girl never gets out of bed. Such a bore.


Tiny feet are cute, and she's got an even better work ethic than that Snow chick. (Lets just forget that I even brought her up. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. JK. But seriously, I did.) Cinderella's looks are there. . . at least before midnight. I've woken up to a girl with no make up before. (There is the puke again . . . JK. But seriously.) How about no make up and no fairy godmother. "Surprise! I'm a wash-woman peasant whose been worked to the bone my whole life and was never trained on how to take care of my looks, but we're married now so I'll live in your castle and you'll fix all my problems!"
Next, please.
Now here is a girl with some down-home sense and not an entitled princess. Intelligent and patient, loving and devoted. But she isn't the hottest. I give her a Katie Holmes level of attractive. (Of course the pre-Tom Katie. We don't talk about the post-Tom Katie.) Prettier than the average person but just not hot enough to run with the celebrity crowd she finds herself in. (I told you to stop thinking about the post-Tom Katie, don't do it, its not worth the pain you will cause you and your children.) Besides, I think she's a little too wild for me...'I hear she's into beastiality.' (Belle, not Katie, though I don't know about post-Tom Katie.)

Speaking of beastiality, here it is in a good way. One look from this sex kitten and you can feel the love TONIGHT. Alluring eyes, a smooth silky coat, and that look when Simba throws her in the grass . . . purrr. It's good to be the king. If I could be Ferris Bueller for just one day it wouldn't be his day off, it would be his jungle romp with the queen of the jungle. RAWR!!!

While we are in the animal kingdom lets take a stop by the Coral Reef. Dory has it going on. Slender body, and I just die for a natural blue. Plus, she is forgetful, so if you have a fight, she won't remember. You want to pull a Ross and take a break, then come back? Feel free. But I don't know if I have a shot, 'I hear she's gay.'

While I was in the ocean I found this smoking hot piece of sushi. If you are into fish, this girl is it. A musical voice that can make intelligent princes fall in love. And great hair despite the humidity. Her secret is, of course, 100 strokes with a dinglehopper everyday. Part of what make her so attractive is her wonderful fashion sense. Work what your mysteriously nonexistent mother gave you. These sea shells have earned a D+ in my book.

But do not be mistaken, readers. My womanizing and degrading the most innocent and pure images of your youth is not over yet. Ariel, though smoking..or steaming I guess... is not the hottest. That Honor goes to...

JASMINE

I mean just look at the picture. Do you need to see it again?

Dark smooth skin, big bright eyes, long dark glossy hair, fantastic proportions and a fit body. She is the Kim Kardashian of the Disney world.

Special thanks to my wife's reality show additiction so that I even know who this girl is. (Special tip, don't Google image search this girl unless you are ready for what you will find.) And while I'm on the topic, how is it fair that my wife can watch Keeping up the Kardashians, Real Chance of Love and Rock of Whores with Bret Michaels but if I were to watch them I would be a boob obsessed pig man? Does that seem weird to anyone else?

Anyway. Back to objectivizing cartoon hotties.

Part of what makes Jasmine so attractive is that she has spunk. Not the kinda spunk and fight you want in a long term relationship, but enough to make things fun for a while. Because it's a universal law that no matter how hot she is, eventually the dude is gonna get sick of her crap. But she's got an attitude that will make the Arabian nights as hot as the Arabian days.

Honorable mention has to go to Meg. Because while Jasmine may have the attitude, Meg has the experience. Though I still have to vote Jasmine because she's hot without being trampy. And don't tell me Meg's not; she said herself that she's 'been there, done that.' Obviously a well-practiced seductress in the G-rated world of 12-year-old princesses. In fact, I should have warned you to get some eye protection because I'm afraid she may have infected the rest of the blogosphere with GonnaSyphiHerpelAIDS. (That's the worst of all of 'em.)

So you've heard the list. Tell me I'm wrong, or the more obvious answer that I'm right, just tell me who you think is the hottest Disney princess.