Two days before Superman was to come home, I got really sick. Mr. Beatles and I had been arguing the night before about me taking so long to call him back. (I think this was the night that Doritos and I had talked for an extra 30 minutes.) I was sobbing through parts of the conversation, trying to convince Mr. Beatles that talking to Doritos wasn't breaking a covenant with him. (You'd think that wouldn't be too hard, since we hadn't MADE any covenants, but he didn't see it that way.)
The next morning I was up before dawn puking my guts out. I rarely get sick, and when I do, it's usually because I'm over-stressed. I knew that was my problem, but couldn't see a solution outside of getting married so that the jealousy would end. This was Saturday morning, and Superman was set to return from his church mission to Taiwan on Tuesday, June 3.
On Monday afternoon I told Mr. Beatles that I would probably call late the next night because of the homecoming. Not only would I be at the airport when he got in late that evening, but because my parents' home was 5 minutes from the airport and had always been Party Central, everyone would be coming to my house afterwards.
This might come as a surprise, but I'll say it anyway: Mr. Beatles was not thrilled.
We "discussed" it at length. I explained over and over again, that there was nothing between Superman and I. (Which was true.) I explained over and over to him that Superman had been my best friend and I had to be there. I explained over and over that everyone was going to be there. It wouldn't just be his family and I. There was a group of about 30 people who were going to be at the airport, then at my house. I couldn't just not go.
But Mr. Beatles threw a fit. He couldn't believe that I was engaged and still going to see my ex-boyfriend get off the plane.
I finally, finally started to stand up for myself. After explaining myself to him repeatedly, I told him that I hadn't called to ask for permission, I was simply informing him that my nightly phone call was going to be a little bit late, and ended the conversation.
The next day, however, I was so nervous. I was nervous to see Superman again. I was worried that there might be a spark still there. He had joked before about marrying the first girl he saw when he stepped off the plane -- I kept thinking that I needed to be really far back and behind other people so he wouldn't see me right away. I was worried about what to wear. I wanted to look cute because, hi!, he was seeing me for the first time in two years, but I was really worried that other people would notice I looked cute and think something of it. I did my hair gelled and wavy because I knew he wasn't a big fan of my hair like that. I wore a shirt that was not overly cute in anyway. When my mom made a comment about me looking cute, I flipped out. "What? Really? 'Cuz I'm not trying to look cute. It was just easier to do my hair this way." I was so on edge about the whole thing.
By the time we got to the airport, I was seriously a bundle of nerves. I couldn't enjoy the time I was able to spend with my family and so many of my friends. I just wanted him to walk off the plane so we could all go home and I could call Mr. Beatles and prove my devotion. (Sick, I know.) And I was just nervous to see Superman again. I was so worried that all my feelings were going to come back and I was going to want to be with him.
Superman's flight was delayed about 20 minutes, a fact that nearly killed his mother. (Hi, Robin!) She loves her boy quite a bit, and the two years had been hard for her, to say the least. But when his flight finally arrived and he walked down the terminal, she screamed, and I do mean screamed, "MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and gave him the biggest hug a mother has every given a child. (I shouldn't have worried about being the first girl he saw -- I should've known it would be his mother!)
After their 10-minute embrace, he started making his way around to all the people gathered. He had a future brother-in-law to meet, and his best friend whom he hadn't seen for two and a half years in the crowd, among others. He came and shook my hand and was just the same Superman. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. He moved to the others and I thought, "See? Nothing there. Nothing to worry about." A very small part of me thought, "Well, something might be there...." but I quickly squelched that thought.
We all caravaned home, and I immediately ran to my room, closed the door, and called Mr. Beatles. We talked for the next 4 hours, till everyone left. He felt much more secure in our relationship because of the call.
--I'm still really mad that I did that. I missed an amazing evening. Superman, his best friend and Doritos swapped mission stories all night. My mom has compared it to the sons of Mosiah reuniting after their missions. I can't even tell you what went on because I wasn't there. I was holed up in my room, proving my devotion to a jealous fiance. --
I guess that's not completely true, because I do know one important thing that happened that night. Superman gave my mom a priesthood blessing.
I need to backtrack a little bit. I mentioned in previous posts that my mom wasn't a big fan of me being with Mr. Beatles. She thought it was wrong of us to get back together at all, and then got really concerned when everything moved so quickly. Even after we were engaged, things moved quickly. We originally set our wedding date for Thanksgiving break, but had moved it up to early August -- just two months away. (Less than a year total that we had known each other.) (Which I had sworn we wouldn't do.)
My mom was really worried about it. She's a worrier by trade (hi, Mom!) and so the thought that I was most likely marrying a man who was wrong for me had her pretty concerned. Honestly, she had gone into a serious depression because of it. She knew I was making a huge mistake, one that would determine my eternity, and there was nothing she could do to stop me. She saw what Mr. Beatles was doing to me -- how I was changing my very nature and distancing myself from all friends and family -- but the more she talked to me about it, the more I got defensive and drew closer to Mr. Beatles.
By the time Superman returned from his mission, she was at the end of her rope, and very nearly the end of her sanity. She asked him to give her a priesthood blessing. He was still a missionary, technically -- he wouldn't be released from that call till he saw the stake president the next morning. She wanted him to give her the blessing while he still had that extra portion of the Spirit that God grants to missionaries. She was so concerned about me.
In the blessing, she was told that her concerns were valid and that Heavenly Father was also concerned. He also loved both Mr. Beatles and I. She was told that a miracle would take place to remedy the situation. (I'm sure there was more to it, but that's all I have written down in my journal.)
The next few days, nothing terribly significant happened. Superman was at our house occasionally, but I was either working or talking to Mr. Beatles on the phone. We didn't interact a whole lot. In fact, according to my journal, he didn't even come home!!! There is no mention of his homecoming or me going to the airport or anything. I wouldn't even allow myself to acknowledge his presence in my journal. I'm still mad at all that I left out of my "detailed accounts."
Oh -- something I just remembered -- the day before Superman came home, when Mr. Beatles and I had the fight about me going to the airport, I made a big decision. I had a box full of "Superman" mementos. A starburst wrapper he once offhandedly told me to keep forever that I actually kept. His senior pictures. A coaster from our first date. A card he'd given me. The Superman symbol tag from a shirt he bought me. All kinds of things. After my "talk" with Mr. Beatles, I decided that I needed to throw it all away. There was no need for me to keep all those things. So I dumped the box without looking back. (Luckily I didn't toss the box full of my letters from him. I don't if it's because I didn't realize I had it, or that I couldn't part with everything just yet.) So now all those mementos are gone, and it just kills me. Alright, tangent over. I apologize. It's just that sometimes I get angry over all that Mr. Beatles stole from me.
So, ironically, the last entry I have in my journal before things "changed" was that I was worried about my best friend. She was getting married in a week and a half and I just wasn't sure if the guy was right for her. But what could I do?
I know. The irony astounds me now. (They've been married for 6 years.)
The day after that entry, my life changed, and was truly saved.
The next day was Saturday, June 7th. Superman came into my bedroom at 7:30 AM. He'd actually spent the night at my house, unbeknownst to me, so that he'd be there to talk to me in the morning. He spent the night in my garage, on the backseat of my parents' van because he didn't want me to find out he was there and get in trouble with Mr. Beatles. He'd been up since 6:30, praying and reading his scriptures, preparing himself for what he was about to do.
Alright, I gotta back up again. Before Superman came home, he knew I was engaged. He was kinda disappointed, but didn't let himself think about it too much. Once he was home and saw how concerned my family and friends were about the situation, he became concerned, too. But he didn't think he should do anything about it -- it was not his place anymore.
However, his feelings changed when he gave my mom the blessing. When he said, "A miracle would take place to remedy the situation," he knew that he was to be part of the miracle. And honestly, he was not looking forward to it. He didn't want to be drawn into such a dramatic situation, and one that had eternal consequences. A situation that could very well draw his heart into the matter, as well.
But once he knew it was what God wanted him to do, there was no turning back. He and my parents formed a plan. They began a fast Friday at lunch. My parents were up on Saturday at 4 am to drive to the Oklahoma City temple (the nearest temple) for the first session of the day. While they were in the temple, Superman would come and talk to me. They timed it so his discussion with me would start just as their session was starting.
So it was 7:30 am on Saturday. Superman came into my bedroom and woke me up. He apologized for having to wake me, but he said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he had a friend he was concerned about, and he was more concerned about this person than he had ever been concerned about anyone. That caught my attention right away. I knew that he had been extremely concerned about more than one of his friends in the past years, and I started to wonder who he was talking about. Then he said he was concerned about one of his best friends. Me.
I was so shocked, I couldn't speak. Me? He's more concerned about me than when Jeremy was drinking? Than when Adam wasn't coming to church?
He told me that he knew my spirit probably better than anyone, outside of my parents. He said that my spirit was dimmer than he had ever seen it.
Again, there were no words. Really? Is it that bad? I mean, I know I haven't been reading my scriptures like I should, but my spirit is dim?
He said that the night he got home, my mom had asked him for a blessing, and he told me the contents of the blessing.
Mom's concerns are valid? Heavenly Father is concerned about me? A miracle would occur?
I'm not quite sure what was said next. But Superman had taken down all my defenses. For the first time since Mr. Beatles and I had gotten back together, I had someone I could really confide in. I was able to voice all my concerns about Mr. Beatles to Superman. I told him about the jealousy. I told him my doubts -- that I honestly loved Mr. Beatles, and could see us together forever, but couldn't see myself exalted with him. (I hadn't been willing to admit that to myself, though it was a thought that had bubbled up occasionally.) I told him about Mr. Beatles being mad that I had shared things about his family with my parents, even though those things affected my parents. Every little thing that I had ignored and pushed to the back of my mind for the past two months was suddenly out in the open. I was ready to share this burden with someone.
Superman and I talked for over 2 hours. He told me how concerned my parents were -- that they were actually in the temple, praying for me as we spoke. I told him about how I knew I was supposed to listen to my parents in my marriage decision but couldn't find a way to make that work then. (Uh, DUH. They were saying I shouldn't marry Mr. Beatles! That was what I was supposed to listen to!) But Superman didn't say that. He talked about my parents being wise and that I should listen to them.
At some point during our conversation, I was staring at a point just beyond Superman's ear. I realized I was staring at my bulletin board's center, where I had pinned a picture of Christ. With the way Superman was situated, it looked like Christ was almost whispering in his ear. The thought came to me that He was telling Superman what to say, and I needed to listen. I knew immediately it was the Spirit telling me that. And then I realized that I hadn't felt the Spirit very often during the last month or so. It was so strong during our conversation, and it was like I realized what I had been missing.
After our talk, I had to get ready for work, and I also called Mr. Beatles. I was understandably shaken up and a little confused. The conversation was a tense one. I just told him that I was having some second thoughts. If I remember correctly, his idea was to move up the wedding date. Again.
I went to work, but wasn't able to make it through the day. I was there for a couple of hours, then called in a replacement. By the time I was home, my parents had returned from the temple. I talked to my mom for a little bit, but had built up some of my walls again because my pride had been so damaged. I was so embarrassed that I had ignored the whisperings of the Spirit for so long. So when I finally decided to "do what I had been told" and "listen to my parents," I did it with an attitude. I'd talk to them about what was going on, then go and call Mr. Beatles and tell him what I was thinking and my parents were saying.
We'd talk for 20 minutes, and I'd be completely persuaded by him again, and go up and tell my parents what we had discussed. It went back and forth like that for the better part of the afternoon. It was exhausting!! I'd feel good when I talked to my parents, know what I was supposed to do, then talk to Mr. Beatles and lose every bit of strength I'd gained! I was manipulated over and over again! He'd tell me my parents just didn't realize how right we were together. He suggested me moving to where he was. He suggested eloping.
I finally got sick of it. I was sick of being pulled back and forth. I said to my mom, "I'm supposed to listen to you in my marriage decision. What do you think I should do."
She suggested that I take some time away. Away from home, and away from Mr. Beatles - to have no contact for a little while. She said I could spend a few days at my grandma's house, or go to Utah for my best friend's wedding --
--As soon as my mom mentioned Kelli's wedding, I knew that was what I wanted and needed to do. Kelli is Superman's little sister and my best friend. I hadn't even entertained the possibility of driving out to Manti, Utah, with Kelli's family for her wedding. But as soon as my mom said it (I found out later she desperately wanted me to go, but didn't dare hope I would), I knew that was what I should do.
I talked to Mr. Beatles that night and told him I needed some time. By that time, I knew he was not the one for me. It hurt. I really did love him, and wanted so desperately for him to be the one I was supposed to marry. But he wasn't. I told him I was going to do a lot of thinking and praying about our relationship and asked that he do the same. I already knew we needed to break things off, but I really wanted him to come to that realization as well. I told him that I would call him after a week.
I didn't tell him that I was going to be spending that week with Superman and his family.
Up next: Wo quan xin de ai ni
(It's gonna kill ya, trying to figure out what that means. I'll give you a hint -- it's Mandarin Chinese.)