I have a strong tendency to hijack comments and leave really long responses in people's comment boxes. In an attempt to avoid the hijacking, I'm going to post what I almost shared in response to this post from Fiauna.
Once a few years ago when Spiderman was under 2 and the Hulk was just a newborn, I was asked a question that caught me off guard.
It was in a Sunday School class where we were discussing the Old Testament. The Hulk had been fussy and so I was standing in the back of the gym, shushing him and trying really hard to pay attention to the lesson.
The teacher had just read Isaiah 49:15, which reads, "Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee."
And probably because I was standing at the back and drawing attention to myself, the teacher (who at the time was without children) said, "Sister aMayzing, isn't this the case? When you have to leave your children, doesn't it make you just a little bit sad?"
I was completely caught off guard and didn't have the presence of mind to lie, so I told the truth.
"Actually, sometimes I leave the house specifically to get away from my children. I wouldn't say it makes me 'sad,' but I don't exactly 'forget' them either..."
(At this point, I realized that I wasn't giving the response the teacher wanted and frantically searched for a way to tie what I was saying into what she wanted me to say.)
...But even if I've just been gone for a couple of hours, I come home and realize that I actually have missed them."
I think the teacher was a bit surprised at my less-than-perfect response, but I had more than one woman in the ward tell me afterward that they appreciated my comment. No problem! Anytime you need validation that you're not the only imperfect mother out there, you know where to find me!
My answer still applies. Sometimes I still leave the house (when Superman's home!) for the specific purpose of taking time off from my boys. But every time I come home, I find that I have missed them! It always seems like they've grown. I realize that they lived entire hours of their life that I wasn't a part of -- that I don't know all the details of. And it makes me kind of sad and little regretful for leaving.
But only a little regretful. I recognize my need for time away from my home and children -- whether it's time grocery shopping in peace or building relationships with other women. I need that time to stay in touch with me.
I don't 'forget' my children, but I don't want to 'forget' who I am, either.
18 comments:
I love it! Truth, the sweetest validation, for many mothers. How many women were thinking the exact same thing, but just wouldn't say it!
I can't remember where I heard this, or if it is just something I've told myself to justify "me" time, but one cannot be a good mother if one is in the looney bin! I truly believe that my children appreciate me and can like being around me when I've had that time to regroup and center.
Not only do we need our alone time, but our kids need to be away from us too.
I applaud your honesty. That type of confidence is not something I posess.
Honest at church?!?!?! CRAZY you need to be careful about that.
Yes Its ok to leave to your children with a qualified baby sitter. I have had a hard time with this because My one and only has some food allergies and it makes me batty to leave him with someone who don't understand so I am careful.
But its good to get out and it is good for your kids to left alone without you. I think its good as long as you aren't leaving your kids home alone for days at a time while you are off doing God knows what. Just try to find a balance for you and your fam.
Seriously, mom's need a time out as well. It's nothing to feel bad about, and nothing that makes you less then perfect when you need a "breather".
I was given a blessing once, that specifically mentioned to me, to take time for myself everyday, so that I was relaxed, and had the strength and positiveness I needed to be happy with my children, and fulfill my responsibilities to them.
I think I'm remembering who that teacher was too. I'm amazed how you can pay attention still, because I tend to lose it when my children get "fussy" for too long.
Way to go for telling the truth! I feel the same way—both about getting away from my kids sometimes and about feeling like I've missed out when I get back.
Why can't women just be honest with themsevles and others? I was talking to a good friend of mine, who realized that even though she often feels uplifted in RS, she feels disconnected from other women.
She has started a weekly group for women in her ward to just get together and talk about their experiences and struggles with parenthood, and womanhood in general. She said that it's really brought the women together.
This is so, so true. I need those breaks from time to time just so I can appreciate my kids more when I'm back, you know?
Amen.
Bravo! I can't be with my kids 100% of the time. They won't learn who I am as a woman, and I can't develop myself either. Well said.
I'll go one step further. I don't think you ned to feel any guilt over wanting to get away. I don't. And I don't miss the kids while I'm gone (except when I go on lengthy trips), and I feel better when I get back. And I think I'm totally healthy. Everybody gets to pick her thing, but I see those moms that do the attachment parenting, and never leave for a moment, and sleep with the kids, and I think, I couldn't have had more than 1 kid that-a way. But I leave the ones I have at least two nights a week, and it has kept me sane enough to be working on #5. (Which might not be that sane, now that I think of it.)
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I will go out for girls night and have the best time. I will not worry for one second about my children. I don't miss them. But when I get home I ALWAYS go and check on them and get an overwhelming urge to pick them up and squeeze them.
Thank you for validating so many of us outside of your relief society. I miss my kiddos as well and welcome them when I have a break to breathe. Thank goodness for our supermen! luvs, katrina
amen! i think sometimes, especially as lds women, we are afraid to take off our capes and admit to imperfections, because hey, we are suppossed to be supermom, right? (and use a lot of commas to get a sentence going)
i totally believe women need women and need a break from children.
the end.
I have a gift for you... it's on my blog =) go look I'm not gunna tell!
We're on a wavelength, girl. I'm mulling over the issues of mamas leaving and returning tonight, to their lives and their children.
PS: I loved your response, hear you roar!
I think the critical word from Isaiah that changes the tone of this question is "sucking" (no, I'm not going for the obvious joke this time!)
Anyone who has nursed a baby knows that you can't be away from that child for very long before it becomes a biological imperative that you find them, and return them to that place of nurture and safety.
I don't know that we can understand how much the Savior feels drawn to the business of saving Israel. But the image in Isaiah is, at least for nursing mothers, a pretty good visual!
And this is my first time here! You're great!
You said it. Thanks for the validation!
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