Thursday was one of those awful, no-good, really bad days for me.
I was just in one of those moods most of the day. Everything was weighing down on me. Body-image issues, being a mom, house-keeping, family issues, friendships, being a wife, politics......yeah, I think that about sums it up. And it had just been building and festering all day.
I went to an Enrichment activity that night- a book review where we all shared books we read recently and liked. One of the books discussed was kind of an LDS version of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I've never read it, but know the premise. The reviewer said that in the book, Satan and his angels would stand right next to people and whisper in their ears that they weren't good enough -- things along those lines. I thought, "Maybe that's been my problem today."
Then I started thinking maybe that wasn't the case. I DO need to be a better mom. I DO need to keep my house cleaner. I DO need to take better care of my body.........so it probably wasn't Satan. It was my conscience. Right?
As Superman and I were pillow-talking (something he hates but I persist in!) that night, these negative thoughts were still swirling in my head. By this time I had added lots of details to the list of things that were wrong with me and my life. Tears started streaming down my face. I had to stop talking so Superman wouldn't know I was crying. He assumed I was done talking and asked me to say the prayer. I swallowed the lump in my throat, then had to swallow it again. After a full minute, I was okay to pray. It was a short and simple prayer so I wouldn't get caught crying. (Do you guys like to cry in front of your husbands? Superman doesn't get mad, but I know he assumes I'm crying because of something he's done, which is very rarely the case.)
Anyway........he caught on. Asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was hormonal. (Total girl cop-out, but whatever.) That I just needed to stop thinking - that too many things were swirling around in my head. He asked what those things were. I didn't want to say anything. I mean, what woman wants to tell her husband she's not happy with her body, she doesn't think she's a good mom but still illogically want a baby, she wants a best friend close-by, she's just discovered her medication makes weight loss hard, how much she HATES the dishes, she's worried she's a push-over, etc.?? No one wants to be a complainer.
But I did it. I spilled all. And spilled even more tears. And he was perfect. He just held me and wiped my tears and said, "That is a lot."
Which is exactly what I needed.
He didn't negate anything I said, or try to tell me it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't need to cry. He didn't make me rationalize everything I was feeling. I was able to get it out of my system and fall asleep peacefully. I am so blessed to be married to a man who knows my needs.
And today has been filled with more tender mercies. I did a tag that said, "How do you feel today?" and the answer that came in the form of a random song was "You're Beautiful." I made pancakes for breakfast (because we were completely out of bowls and spoons) that we all ate at the table, instead of the kids eating in front of the TV. Spiderman's birthday party was this afternoon at a bounce house place. So many of my friends were there, and we had a great time. My kids were great - didn't get into the trouble they normally do. A friend gave me a birthday present - Jane Clayson Johnson's I am a Mother. I got a compliment on my shirt. I had the desire to do the dishes today. And cook a real dinner. And clean the house. And I discovered that my girly cop out was legitimate. Ah ha! Mildly annoying, but vindicating, as well.
Looking back on it today, I realize that hormonal swings really get to me. And while blogging is great, I need to prioritize better. (Didn't I just write about that?! Have I really forgotten so soon?) I can't get on the computer when I have 2 loads of dishes to do and 2 loads of laundry to fold and kids to interact with and a household to run. And I'm already in a slightly depressed mood and have no motivation to do anything else. Just gotta put on some good music and power through.
And that's what I did this morning. I pulled up my blog and turned up my playlist player. (You didn't really think that music was there for you, did you?!) And as I was cleaning, I heard this song:
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way.
Yes, words can't bring me down.
So don't you bring me down today.
I realized that for me, the "they" is those inner demons. Satan's minnions. Who attack when I'm already low. (And I don't just mean my progesterone level!) They know what to say and when to say it and how often to repeat it. They don't have bodies, so they want to attack ours and make sure we hate them. They don't have families, so they want to make us resent ours. They have no peace, no friends, no intellectual growth.........so they make us doubt all that we have.
So the next time you're attacked, remember:
I was just in one of those moods most of the day. Everything was weighing down on me. Body-image issues, being a mom, house-keeping, family issues, friendships, being a wife, politics......yeah, I think that about sums it up. And it had just been building and festering all day.
I went to an Enrichment activity that night- a book review where we all shared books we read recently and liked. One of the books discussed was kind of an LDS version of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I've never read it, but know the premise. The reviewer said that in the book, Satan and his angels would stand right next to people and whisper in their ears that they weren't good enough -- things along those lines. I thought, "Maybe that's been my problem today."
Then I started thinking maybe that wasn't the case. I DO need to be a better mom. I DO need to keep my house cleaner. I DO need to take better care of my body.........so it probably wasn't Satan. It was my conscience. Right?
As Superman and I were pillow-talking (something he hates but I persist in!) that night, these negative thoughts were still swirling in my head. By this time I had added lots of details to the list of things that were wrong with me and my life. Tears started streaming down my face. I had to stop talking so Superman wouldn't know I was crying. He assumed I was done talking and asked me to say the prayer. I swallowed the lump in my throat, then had to swallow it again. After a full minute, I was okay to pray. It was a short and simple prayer so I wouldn't get caught crying. (Do you guys like to cry in front of your husbands? Superman doesn't get mad, but I know he assumes I'm crying because of something he's done, which is very rarely the case.)
Anyway........he caught on. Asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was hormonal. (Total girl cop-out, but whatever.) That I just needed to stop thinking - that too many things were swirling around in my head. He asked what those things were. I didn't want to say anything. I mean, what woman wants to tell her husband she's not happy with her body, she doesn't think she's a good mom but still illogically want a baby, she wants a best friend close-by, she's just discovered her medication makes weight loss hard, how much she HATES the dishes, she's worried she's a push-over, etc.?? No one wants to be a complainer.
But I did it. I spilled all. And spilled even more tears. And he was perfect. He just held me and wiped my tears and said, "That is a lot."
Which is exactly what I needed.
He didn't negate anything I said, or try to tell me it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't need to cry. He didn't make me rationalize everything I was feeling. I was able to get it out of my system and fall asleep peacefully. I am so blessed to be married to a man who knows my needs.
And today has been filled with more tender mercies. I did a tag that said, "How do you feel today?" and the answer that came in the form of a random song was "You're Beautiful." I made pancakes for breakfast (because we were completely out of bowls and spoons) that we all ate at the table, instead of the kids eating in front of the TV. Spiderman's birthday party was this afternoon at a bounce house place. So many of my friends were there, and we had a great time. My kids were great - didn't get into the trouble they normally do. A friend gave me a birthday present - Jane Clayson Johnson's I am a Mother. I got a compliment on my shirt. I had the desire to do the dishes today. And cook a real dinner. And clean the house. And I discovered that my girly cop out was legitimate. Ah ha! Mildly annoying, but vindicating, as well.
Looking back on it today, I realize that hormonal swings really get to me. And while blogging is great, I need to prioritize better. (Didn't I just write about that?! Have I really forgotten so soon?) I can't get on the computer when I have 2 loads of dishes to do and 2 loads of laundry to fold and kids to interact with and a household to run. And I'm already in a slightly depressed mood and have no motivation to do anything else. Just gotta put on some good music and power through.
And that's what I did this morning. I pulled up my blog and turned up my playlist player. (You didn't really think that music was there for you, did you?!) And as I was cleaning, I heard this song:
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way.
Yes, words can't bring me down.
So don't you bring me down today.
I realized that for me, the "they" is those inner demons. Satan's minnions. Who attack when I'm already low. (And I don't just mean my progesterone level!) They know what to say and when to say it and how often to repeat it. They don't have bodies, so they want to attack ours and make sure we hate them. They don't have families, so they want to make us resent ours. They have no peace, no friends, no intellectual growth.........so they make us doubt all that we have.
So the next time you're attacked, remember:
We are beautiful, no matter what they say.
Words won't bring us down.
We are beautiful in every single way.
So don't let them bring you down today.
You are a beautiful, talented, blessed daughter of our Father in Heaven. Only listen to the GOOD things He wants to tell you, and do your best to block out the rest. Don't let their words bring you down.
"That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness......Chase darkness from among you!" D&C 50:23, 25
23 comments:
I think that there will always be things that we can do better, because we aren't perfect. But most of the time, we are good enough! We don't need to be perfect. We need to be good enough and the best we can be for our families and ourselves. And you are most definitely good enough and beautiful!
I love you! I don't know you, but I love you. You put into words what I think most women feel everyday (at least I do). Thanks for the positive thoughts. I love that song! I'll have to put it on my itunes.
I think you said everything that my "little voices" tell me when I am hormonal. It is so weird. It is like all of a sudden this big lump of negativity is dumped on my shoulders. It is very hard to not let it in!
I think you said everything that my "little voices" tell me when I am hormonal. It is so weird. It is like all of a sudden this big lump of negativity is dumped on my shoulders. It is very hard to not let it in!
Nice, Alyssa. Go and make me cry now! ;) Thanks for sharing
Oh...I feel like that so many times. Thanks for your uplifting post. I hope you are feeling better and I'm glad y ou have that wonderful husband!
GREAT message!!!
It amazes me how often we are on the same page. I had tears in my eyes reading this because I have SO BEEN THERE!! I just posted a blog on affirmations yesterday because I've been experiencing the exact same problem. Thank you for your beautiful reminder of how lucky and blessed we all are.
Omigosh, I could soooooooooooo relate!!!!! I could have been the one wrote this!!! AMEN sister!!!
YOU are so darling btw....
Husbands are just the best ever - we got good ones! :) And I think you're an amazing mom & person & e-friend (I wish we lived closer so we could actually do stuff!).
You write such inspiring posts! And you definitely ARE beautiful!!!
I just have to say that you are one of the sweetest, most caring women I have ever had the pleasure of calling friend. You are a wonderful mother and friend. (I can't tell about the wife part cuz you aren't my wife. but I"m sure you are up there.)
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us =)
Alyssa, this was a beautiful post. Just beautiful. You have a wonderful way of conveying your thoughts. When you talked about the Christina Aguleria (sp? whatever) I clicked on it on your sidebar and I felt what you were saying.
I really think this is how satan is working on valiant women. Women who try hard! Women who want to be better. He whispers discouragement into our hearts. We think we are just not good enough.
You are beautiful. And wise. How smart are you to put all of your feelings into words and gauge your emotions.
You made me teary eyed tonight. You are sooo not alone. Not at all!
This is perfect for all of us to read. It is the demons we face as women all the time. Self doubt, fears, inadequate eating away at who we really are. A daughter of God full of his creation to be needed by Him for his purposes that He has put His trust in us to fulfill. That sentence didn't make sense, sorry ;)
But you are so right. We are so beautiful. My daughter did something recently that blew me away. I posted about it. She was looking in the mirror and said "I was made good". I had never thought that before. I only see the flaws. It has never left me though. Her little sweet example. I am so beat down at times from those inner whisperings, but I know that there is strength and tender mercies to grasp onto. Thanks for sharing.
I think it was divine intervention that my google reader was wigging out yesterday, and I didn't read your post. Because I've been feeling sorry for myself ALL morning, and this is sooo what I needed to hear.
You are an amaxing and beautiful person, and you have no idea how much you've helped me today.
Thank you!!!
OK, I just read that back and it didn't make sense. I meant that it was meant to be for me to read this today, and not yesterday.
Ok?
See? I can't think straight...
Oh my goodness! What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for that.
I came over from Sher's blog, you had words she really needed today. You really are wonderwoman!!!
ww- just know that you are going to feel this again, sometimes stronger, sometimes less (but at the same time just as frustrating) and sometimes not at all and you will feel at peace. Just keep praying, keep loving others, and know that people are praying and loving you too :)
Thank you for this!
Great message, thank you for sharing.
Alyssa, I love you... you are such a sweet and beautiful daughter, wife and mother... life can be difficult at times, cherish the joyous moments and always be truthful to your spouse, he will understand and if he doesn’t at least he will know more of who you are and you will both be in it together. He is a great man, a man never the less, and we make mistakes. but the mistake he never made was choosing you...
Dad
Thank you for sharing this!
I'm so glad your husband validated you, and that you found more mercies in the morning. I often think about all of these same things. Thank you for articulating it so well!
Bummed out this afternoon, so I decided to check out some of your archives. Cuz you just seem to say things the right way. And I am super thrilled to be listening to Glee and Kris Allen on your site!
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself; I connect with it and feel not so alone. Kudos,
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